tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74291607639371954332024-03-13T10:57:05.799-07:00Just Metammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-37066618097243848522011-09-09T08:24:00.001-07:002011-09-09T09:36:09.087-07:00People have asked me what's up for awhile. So I thought I would catch you up to the Schake Saga....;)<br /><br />In November of 2010, Annie, Koty and I traveled to North Carolina to see our Dr. there. Not too long after that our doctor retired. We were midway through our treatment, that seemed to be working, by the way. So you can imagine how frustrated and grieved we were to again find ourselves at what seemed to be the starting line.<br />Our doctor was able to at least write scripts that would last us until we were able to find a new doctor. We had built a close relationship with her and were sad to see it end. God had brought us to her, there was no doubt about that. He knew I needed her reassurance and her support and her understanding of what it was like to live with Lyme.<br />There was only one idea that crossed our minds as to what to do next. We ended up connecting with a doctor in D.C. who was one of the leading specialists in Lyme disease and who had actually taught Dr. B (our North Carolina doc.)<br />It took us at least 4 months to get in to see him. It's amazing during the waiting period what your mind can take you through. Of course this whole journey has been a waiting period to some extent, but I found myself once again fighting my old anger, frustration and fears. Some of it was pointed towards God and the other was pointed towards the injustice of a system that is supposed to be set up to help people, but in reality it is there to mostly serve itself. I felt out of control once again and at moments found myself face to face with a fear stricken desperation. Those moments remind me of being held in a straight jacket, not that I've ever been in one, but my disease and my circumstances have made me feel exactly like that at times.<br />The thoughts of hoping and trusting only to be let down again, whether by circumstances or people, seemed to suffocate me at times.<br />It seems so easy to say, "so I trusted God and knew that he would see me through once again." <br />Eventually that is what happened. But is doesn't always come so easily to me, I am ashamed to say. Once again, God in His grace loves me and stays with me during my struggles. What was so humbling to me at this time was to be reminded of Romans 8:34 "Christ Jesus is the One who died, but even more has been raised. He also is at the right hand of God and intercedes for us"...... So my prayer became, "Thank you, Lord Jesus, not only for knowing how much sifting I can stand, but also for being there with me, praying for me while I'm going through it." Amazing the humbleness and power that fills you when you understand that God is praying FOR you.<br /><br />Anyway...Long story short, we found a doctor in D.C. who specializes in Lyme and who is actually a forerunner in treating the disease. We traveled up to see him in May of this year. <br />The closer we got to the appointment, my fears and frustration seemed to escalate yet once again. ( Unless you've been in a situation where your hopes and thoughts are continually destroyed, you might not understand what I'm talking about when I speak of fear in that way. I was afraid to hope, to trust really. In someone, even though they may be good or know alot of information, but to trust someone once again with hope, it's frightening. I didn't know if I could be let down again. Every doctor that God has led me to seemed, at the time, to be the last straw. Going to this doctor and knowing that he was one of the tops of the totem pole, I absolutely did not know where to turn if this didn't work out.) ..."Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek HIS will in ALL you do and He will direct your paths.' Prov. 3:5-6.....this verse came to mind as we entered the clinic and His peace flooded my soul.<br />We have been on treatment with Dr. J since May. He was surprised at how well I was doing at the time he met me. Which reminded me that sometimes I look at where I am, rather that where I've been. With Lyme, it's like watching the grass grow. It's hard to see the improvements when you are living every day, but to look back at year ago and compare where I was to now...unbelievable, the difference. I have to make myself stay in that mind frame, so that discouragement and despair does not have a foothold in my thoughts.<br />Koty is doing fantastic. We will see what the doc says when we go to see him at the end of this month, if he has to continue his treatment or not. Sometimes when a patient reaches a point of showing no symptoms, then they are put on a "maintence treament" for a time just to be sure that everything has been eracticated. Koty has been symptom free for over a month now.<br />Annie still struggles with some of her symptoms, stomach pain mostly, but overall, even her symptoms have disappeared. (VERY EXCITING!!!) <br />Alot of my symptoms are gone or at least the cycles are longer, which is good. My bad days are less frequent and farther apart from each other. When I do get them they don't last as long either. <br />The doc also looked at Syd and Madi's symtpoms and they will be starting treatment sometime soon. Probably as the other two go off. (That was a very big blow i forgot to mention :)....but Syd and madi will be needing treatment as well. they have had symptoms for a long time, but again , everyone is different and their's took awhile to show themselves full force, so I think it was all in God's timing.<br />With that in our future....Eph. 6:10-12 comes to mind...."But in You, Lord, I am strengthened by Your vast strength." Can't , or wouldn't want, to live this life without Him!tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-57506471025485957812010-11-06T15:02:00.000-07:002010-11-07T11:52:48.323-08:00It's been awhile since I have had a chance to jot down what's been going on. The last 2 months have been up and down for me. When I 'm not struggling with pain, I have been trying to get some things done before I'm unable to get around again. Pain and long lost Lyme symptoms have increased. That was to be expected. The meds I have been on for 2 months now have been drawing the "cyst" form open which causes the symptoms to return. The doc. says November will be a rough one, but hopefully I will begin to turn a corner if I can stay on the meds. I have had alot of heart issues this last month. Things like "fluttering" or skipping beats, etc. The burning is back and I wake up from the firey sensations almost nightly. I traded in my insomnia for vivid and panic driven nightmares. (yee-haw! :) So I feel exhausted most of the time. Have had a hard time thinking and processing through a conversation. Pretty wiped out when I have had to be with people for any length of time. I have been on steroids since July. They have enabled me to get up out of bed and get around. I have had to decrease the dosage for alot of different reasons, but it looks like I will probably have to remain on them for the duration of my treatment to decrease the inflamation and pain. (By the way, I have to ask....why is it that when most people are on steroids they look like they should be on the cover of Muscle Magazine, but when I'm on them I look like a floatation devise? lol)<br /><br />Anyway, Annie and Koty have been troopers. Both of them have had increased symptoms. Annie still struggles with nightmares, etc and her joints giving out on her. Koty has had to give up bike and scooter riding as his knees and ankles get easily pained from those activities. They both wrestle with the same burning sensations, migrains and general muscle pain. We have gotten good reports from school, so we've been very thankful that their ability to concentrate has not been too effected at this point.<br /><br />A week or so ago, we received news that our Dr. will be closing her practice by the end of the year.....very long story. That leaves us almost back at the starting point of treatment. We know what we are dealing with of course, but finding a new doctor with the same philosophy and treatment plan gets a bit overwhelming. Our doc has reassured us that she will not hand us off without at least interviewing the next doc to see if they are on the same wavelength, etc. However, it has still been a hard blow right in the middle of treatment....again.<br /> It's been a very trying couple of weeks for me personally. I'm not sure if we will have to start all over with a very different treatment, or even be able to get in to see a new doc before our meds are used up, which could cause more problems with getting treated properly, etc. There are moments when I am fine only to turn around and find myself weeping uncontrollably, wondering how can we keep going on like this? I know that God knows all things and that He is in complete control of our lives and of our entire treatment plan. It's just keeping my eyes fixed on that promise that can get hard to do sometimes. I find myself, yet again, surrending the plans and timelines that I have for my life and exchanging them for God's. Faith isn't faith until it has had the opportunity to be tested and tested again...and again and again, I'm finding. The lessons I have learned and continue to learn do not come easy nor come without great sacrifice, but I am so grateful that God has cared enough about me to give me the opportunity to learn them, and to begin to see Him for who He really is, not just what He can do for me.<br />Today I choose to claim this verse and ask that God continue to show us what HE is capable of doing....<br />"Now to Him who is able to do FAR MORE abundantly BEYOND all that we ASK or THINK." Ephesians 3:20tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-2640774262063346602010-09-08T18:14:00.001-07:002010-09-08T18:35:20.326-07:00Haven't had any serious side effects today after starting my new treatment, which is always a good sign. Also, had some good news this morning after talking with the doctor. I was getting a little discouraged about the steroids and some of the side effects I have been experiencing, but through my conversation with the doc, I was again reminded how God always knows best and He always has the big picture. I love the example a speaker gave recently about God's point of view verses our own. (I know I have given it before, but it bears repeating.) Our lives are like a tapestry and God's view is looking down at the beautifully finished picture. Our view is the under side of the tapestry, the side that has all of the yarn jumbled together. Many times we can't make sense of our circumstances or a given situation, but God always sees the finished picture. To connect the dots......I was discouraged with the fact that I seemed to be the worst case scenario with my symptoms for Lyme disease that my doc has had, at least when it comes to the nerve/ neurological damage (muscle shakes and pain)...you know, the whole "why Me?" pity party. Anyway, I find out today , because of that specific "problem" I will not have to experience all of the awful side effects from the meds through this leg of the race, because the steroids will work against them. (Which means that I should be better off than most.) I know it may seem small, but honestly I hung up the phone today and smiled. It was as if God was smirking and saying, "You know, you really can trust me.....I do have your best interest in mind." <br /> Today I have been so grateful for so many things, but mostly I am so very thankful that even in the midst of tragedy or seemingly shattered dreams, God is absolutely in control and has me in the palm of His hands. There is no better nor stable security than that.tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-66124327843583085192010-09-07T17:47:00.000-07:002010-09-07T18:39:39.623-07:00Tomorrow I start the next level of my treatment. My doctor had given me several weeks "off" so that I could get the kids settled into school, etc. (Which means that I was postponing my next increase and med change). I had a crazy summer. The beginning was about par for my pain, etc. Then July hit and I was suddenly doing worse than I have ever been on treatment. I was back to being unable to move without help and without screaming from the pain. I think I wore out my poor family's ears and nerves. The doctor put me on steroids, which did some amazing wonders for me. The last 6 weeks I have found myself crying due to the activities that I have been able to be a part of. For the first time in 4 summers, I was able to get into a swimming pool! I can't explain what that experience was like....even as I type, the tears are streamming down my face.....I was able to teach Annie and Koty how to swim and even more exciting was the ability to hold them physically close to me. We were all so excited and crying together! I've also been able to walk across the yard (uneven ground) and squat to plant flowers. Tonight I finished up my "vacation" with attending my oldest daughter Sydney's volleyball game. (I have never been able to accomplish sitting in bleachers...until now!) So, like I said, tomorrow starts a new season. The next 4 months will be the hardest ones I have faced yet. I'll be honest...I am not looking forward to them at all. I find myself waffling back and forth from fear to hope to determination and then back to fear. I have been told what to expect and to prepare for the worst, so I am trying to do that. One thing that I am so thankful for is that God has, in His goodness, allowed me to find Him through this process and to know Him deeper and more intimately than I would have ever thought possible. So I am assured that no matter what tomorrow may bring with it, He is with me and will continue to remain there always.<br /> Annie and Koty have been on their treatments throughout the summer now. Annie has had some rough times. Insomnia has been one of the owrst symptoms she has had to suffer through. Of course when that happens, everything else seems to shut down since the body is not getting the rest it needs to heal. Koty, on the other hand, hasn't had too many "down" days and seems to be doing pretty good so far. They both have started school and seem to be settling in fine. We were so thankful to get some wonderful teachers for both of them. So that has taken a load off of me, especially knowing that there will be someone looking out for them at school. Sometimes when I think of what I might not be able to do for my kids or simply for myself in the next four months, I get a little nervous, and yes, weepy too. I try not to think about the "what if's" and just focus on the time and day at hand. I Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." <br /> As I continue to walk this road, I know that God continues to build my character through the process of waiting. " Perfect trust is a character building process." (swindol)tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-34636862212614698952010-07-23T14:18:00.001-07:002010-08-18T09:49:15.838-07:00Summer updateWell, it has been too long since I have updated this post, but life has been rather busy shuffling med charts , etc. We finally got Annie and Koty's results back and they both tested positive for Lyme disease. They have been on treatment for about 3 weeks now. Their disease is not as advanced as mine, so at this point their treatment will be a whole lot simpler and straight forward. Not sure of the time factor. Like all Lyme disease patients, it depends on the individual, how they respond, etc.<br /><br />So far Annie has had a couple of rough moments, but thankfully they haven't stayed constant. Koty's medicine doses are very low, so it will take him a bit longer to respond. The doc's plan is to keep all of us on a low enough dose that we can still live without being completely wiped out by the disease or the treatments.<br /><br />People often ask me what the kids symptoms are in comparison to mine. They both have muscle pain and twisting, however, they come and go and do not stay constant like mine. They both have some major stomach issues, Annie more so than Koty. Neck pain (in the back of the neck and head), headaches, hot flashes, mood swings, joint pain. Koty gets severe joint pain in his knees and ankles and has times when he is unable to walk at all. Annie has ankle pain and weakness. Sometimes she has to be careful when playing because it will start twisting up on her or give out completely and she will "wipe out". Insomnia is also a factor for them, Annie more than Koty.<br /><br />We are planning on attending school this year, but honestly, that is one area I am still giving over to God. Not sure if I feel completely comfortable with it yet or not. Lyme disease can attack any and all of the body systems, and there are other symptoms that they have that could be a little embarassing and/or frustrating. Sometimes Annie has times when she is unable to verbalize her thoughts correctly or quickly enough and both Annie and Koty have had times when their bodies will not recognize the need to go to the restroom before it is too late. Also, there are moments for Annie when she has "panic" type attacks. I think it is mostly when her "inside" symptoms start to flare up, such as "the shakes" (you feel like your whole body is shaking, except that its not showing it on the outside) or fast heartbeat or seeing flashes in your peripheral vision. all of those things can be a little creepy to an adult, much less a 7 year old. Anyway, we would appreciate your prayers as we get ready for this next school year.tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-35732742274355159522010-04-04T19:07:00.000-07:002010-04-04T20:04:51.534-07:00Getting ready to start a new med. tomorrow. So far things have been pretty good. Again, so thankful for my doctor and grateful (beyond words) that she is going slowly with my treatment. Two weeks ago I was "down for the count" for most of the week. I had taken more than I was supposed to on one of my meds. and it caused the Lyme to kick into gear at full speed. Not unusual....that's why we are going very slow. So this week I didn't "up" anything so that I could level out. (Sorry...having a bit of a problem with finding the right words...haha...you should see me with the kids....we are going to be the champs at Charades!:)<br /><br />Anyway,... this last week allowed my body to adjust, so I was able to be with the kids while they have been out of school for Spring Break. Most of the problems I have been having the last couple of weeks (apart from the crazy week) have been with my hearing and my vision. Sometimes it's nice to not hear things..:)...but I'm a little nervous to lose it completely. I usually listen to music or podcasts when I can't sleep and now that I am having vision problems, it's hard to read too. I still have burning sensations throughout my body and I have had a hard time with insomnia. My overall pain has lessened for the most part. Monday through Wed. are my roughest days. Usually by the weekend I have leveled out, which is great because the kids are home from school and I get to participate in epic (our church), family or other activities.<br /><br />Migrains, tremors, twitches, memory and word searching have been difficult as well. I have found myself withdrawing from conversations again....because it is so exhausting to concentrate on the conversation and keep up sometimes and it's hard at times to respond...I know what I am thinking...just can't get it out.<br /><br />Annie and Koty have both been having problems on and off for awhile, but lately they have both increased. Koty has had problems walking all week, lots of pain in his knees and stomach. We are waiting for results for Annie concerning Lyme and now we will be testing Koty. We were all on the hike together, and from what I understand, sometimes it takes awhile for it to kick in for kids. I would appreciate your prayers for them. <br /><br />Thankful for so many things and so many people. Today I had the chance to be at the beach for an extended time...first time in a long time my body didn't react to the sun and heat. I almost cried just feeling the breeze. :0 Also, I have been able to roll over in bed without crying! Can't tell you how exciting that is! I know this one doesn't sound too exciting...but ..wow...it is...was able to put a sheet on Koty's bed... all by myself. (Only took about 20 minutes!ha)<br /> The simplest things in life are truly treasures. The sad thing is that sometimes it takes losing those things before we can really appreciate them. I read this quote again today...very humbling...<br />"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining;<br /> in love even when I am alone;<br /> and in God even when He is silent."<br />(inscription found scratched into a wall in Germany by someone hiding from Nazi concentration camp.)tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-91956455072946715202010-03-15T18:00:00.001-07:002010-03-15T18:43:37.276-07:00Almost a month into my new treatment. I have to say that I am so thankful for my doctor! We have been slowly progressing into the treatment a med at a time. Every week I add more and today is the biggest leap by doubling some doses and adding three new meds. I'm usually "down" the first couple of days of the week..nights are rough, but then it levels out by the weekend. So usually by Sunday my body has worked through the crazy symptoms just in time to start up again on Monday. But the doc is so great. She really wants me to be able to function day to day as much as possible instead of living at the hospital (because of med or symptom overload!) We are in contact with her continually and have more access to her (in North Carolina) than we ever had with my local dr.'s So she has been a tremendous blessing and answer to prayer!<br />Trent and I had a phone conference with her this morning and everything seems to be going ok. I go in for bloodwork tomorrow..if I can stand the meds tonight, otherwise I may be in bed for a couple of days ..that's always fun!<br />Something you can be praying for with us about....Annie has had several new "symptoms" show up in the last couple of weeks. (Several are exactly like mine, just not as severe...muscle twisting, migrains, burning sensations in her arms and hands, etc.) After discussing her with the doc. we are going ahead with some more specific tests for chronic Lyme (for her). Hoping to have those results before too long. Praying that it is not that, but seems like it is more than just a digestive issue.tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-78845392798944221682010-02-16T07:18:00.000-08:002010-02-21T15:23:09.465-08:00Trent and I returned from North Carolina two weeks ago Monday night. It was a whirlwind trip, but God's fingerprints were all over the trip. I made the long trip up and back, (that in itself was fantastic!) and was even able to sleep well in a bed that worked! (Can't tell you what an answer to prayer those two things were!)<br /><br />Anyway...the Dr. was very knowledgeable in chronic Lyme disease and seemed to answer most questions before we even had a chance to answer them. We spent almost 10 hours with her. Since we have been home, we have been trying to get everything situated and worked out. The details of all the meds., bloodwork, treatment plans, etc. I will be starting a whole new treatment. The one I was on only addressed a portion of the actual treatment needed. Long story....bottom line... as I go on this new one, things will get worse before I get better. I have had "game face" days. Those are the days I am determined to get through whatever...bring it on! ... but I have also had days where I am scared to death. I know the risks and what is to come, and there are moments I wonder if it is worth it. ( That's usually about the time that God sends in His special forces (one of my kids) and I am reminded that I don't have the luxury for those kinds of thoughts.)<br /><br />Right now I am still waiting on Dr. input to decide which path I will take....oral treatment or IV/oral. Both will work...IV is the one I am trying to go for, it is a faster treatment and is better on my GI tract, ....there are more risks involved though and I do need a Florida Dr. to sign off.<br /><br />As I continually process through all of my thoughts and emotions about this deal...I continually come back to this ( a thought from Walter Wangerin Jr.)...<br /><br />"I beg God that I might do this thing with grace and gracefully, no matter its length or its ending."<br /> And these two great verses:<br /><br />I corinthians 9:26 " So I run with purpose in every step."<br /><br />Hebrews 12:1-2 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish."tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-73847690938034077242010-02-04T10:30:00.000-08:002010-02-04T11:54:44.347-08:00Cycling symptomsI have had several people ask me what kind of symtpoms I have been having, so I thought I would let you know what "a day in the life "might look like for me lately....although I have to admit, it can change anytime:)<br /><br />Yesterday I dropped Sydney off to get her hair done when I walked in to pick her up, the smells of the hair salon were so overwhelming. My symptoms instantly seemed to maximize. I felt like my head was put back into the vice grip from ear to ear along the backside. My neck was so stiff I could barely turn my head. My muscles began to twitch and then went into their crippling twisting, especially throughout my hips. My arms began to burn and my face went numb. By the time I got out I could barely think. I was overly sensitive to lights and the noise around me. I am overly sensitive to chemicals, even if i am just smelling them, and any kind of meds. I haven't had as much of a problem with them in awhile, after coming off of treatment, it seems like I am hit by a mac truck when I encounter them.<br />I had a hard time keeping my head up, usually after that happens, it's like a weight is put on the back of my neck and I can't pick it up. My all over pain intensified for the rest of the evening. by the time i went to bed i was having difficulty breathing...like a belt was wrapped too tightly around my rib cage. I began to have the "inside" shakes...that's when I feel like I look like Catherine Hepburn, but I'm not really exhibiting it physically. (All during that scenario, I was trying to cook dinner and have some time drawing with my kids.) Sometimes in a couple of hours those symptoms might change to something else or even relax somewhat, but after the chemical exposure, it usually intensifies for days to a week and then begins to subside. So last night I had a hard time making it up the stairs. I sat on my knees for about a half hour to try to disperse some of the hip pain. That seemed to help, otherwise, getting into bed is tough. After lying down, the pain shifts around, so that usually lasts for a good couple of hours. Last night I went into intense pain in my hips and back that made my heart rate go up and start racing and skipping beats again. I had difficulty breathing throughout the night. It might start out as the belt buckle scenario and then just turn into being very difficul to get a deep breath, like your rib cage has no expansion capabilities. I had a lot of stomach discomfort also throughout the night. I wish I could say that I tossed and turned, but I am not capable of doing that. I can only lie on one side with my knees bent half way up. If I am lucky, I will be able to straighten them out while still lying on that side in the middle of the night and then bend then back up. On my best nights, i can turn over..very slowly and intentionally. by that I mean I have to physcially manhandle my hips with my hands and pick them up to move them and try to flip myself over to the other side. I usually can only last 15 or twenty min. or so, because it cause my heart to do some funny things. I am so thankful that Trent is a great sleeper! He sleeps through it all! so last night was a onesider no movement kind of night. About 3:00am I woke up with night sweats and my body physically shaking. That lasted about an hour and half. Sometimes I use that time to pray or listen to podcasts. By the time the shaking stops, I have insomnia, so .....I keep on praying or listening to podcasts. If they are really good, I usually end up falling asleep!;) I think I fell asleep at 5:30. Woke up at 7:00 feeling like I was going to throw up from being so dizzy. The room would not stop spinning, and I had only opened my eyes to look at the clock once. My neck went into "paralyze"mode...I feel like I am locked up and can't move, even if I try. Trent let me sleep in and he took the kids to school. (He is so great!..I am so thankful for His support and encouragment!) By 9:00 I was able to get up. My heels were in total pain, very stiff hard to walk, as well as my hip muscles. I ended up kneeling down and asking God to give me enough strength and abiltity to get in the shower and get downstairs,....(I had a meeting scheduled at 2 :) to please keep me close to Him and not give in to discouragement today. As always,....He has seen me through. I made it downstairs, (having had a shower!..yea!)and was able to clean up some rooms and get some paperwork finished for epic ...my brain has had a hard time functioning today. Very foggy...I observe, but cannot process very well. Names and ideas are hard to come by. Headache is very dull feeling and I feel exhausted and run down. Eyes can't focus too well. Harder time getting around today. Chest feels very tight and heavy. Neck continues to remain very stiff and painful.<br />Was able to pick up Koty from school....so thankful for the moments I get to do that and I love to hear him say..."Mom, I love to hold your hand!" As he walks with me to the car. Those are the moments that keep me going!<br />I have leftovers from last night....always a good thing! ;) If I can think through all that goes into packing, etc for me and Trent to go to North Carlina and then the kids schedules here to leave for mom, I will be good. It will happen....it usually is just at a much slower pace. So here you go...that about sums it up.<br />Thinking about this today...Jesus said in John 15:9..."Remain in my love"....remaining is a choice...I can choose to leave (reject or not believe) God's love or choose to remain in (to trust or believe in) God's love for me and submit my will to His. .... so today...even though I might not "feel" like remaining there....I am choosing to .....and I know He will meet me there.tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-71406285776624843452010-02-01T11:10:00.000-08:002010-02-01T11:37:50.418-08:00Feb.1stSeems like it has been a long winter season in more ways than one. Trent and I are getting ready to travel to see a doctor in North Carolina. I have been praying for God's leading on this one for awhile now, and although we had a couple of different possibilities...God seemed to confirm this track. So this weekend we will be setting off for a new adventure. <br /> I have been a little restless and a little nervous. It's always hard for me to start all over again with a new Dr.. I wonder if it will be worth the effort, will they listen, will they be kind, considerate, compassionate? Will they respect me and my family and all that we have been through?...Can I continue to face my fears? Will this be a waste of our time, money and effort? Will it even work? Is it going to cause me to go backwards or through more pain than I can handle? So many questions that seem to cycle around again and again.<br /> But, God continues to remind me that He is with me. No matter the road I am on, or the journey that lay before me, my responsibility is to keep my eyes on Him. To learn to walk at His pace, not mine. He continues to give me enough strength for each day. Though so many times I try to "store up" enough strength and wisdom for the next month....God gently reminds me...Tammy, that's not how it works. I know you better than you will ever know yourself. Trust Me. I created you and I know that you need me everyday....I am the only one who is sufficient for your need. (nothing or no one else....not even yourself can do it.) <br />So here I am again today...".casting all of my care onto Him , because He cares for me!" and choosing to give my "load" to Him to carry....my thoughts, questions, concerns, burdens, and trusting that He will be the God that He said He would be...and that He has proven to be throughout this entire journey.tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-76106033209511159632009-11-03T16:24:00.000-08:002009-11-03T17:29:22.744-08:00The other day I started feeling myself regressing....I woke up and knew it was going to be a tough day even before I got out of bed. My pain level was up and I struggled just to get in the shower, etc. I had already been through a couple of emotional days with my daughter Annie. Not because of her, but about her. She has had some problems with her digestive system for over 2 years now, but the last 6 months it has progressed to severe abdominal pains, etc. She is usually very happy and playful, so to see her lay on the couch or bent over the toilet, not eating and face turning pale....is very frustrating to say the least. Long story short...after many dr. visits...that didn't want to admit anything was wrong, we have finally seen some specialists who have run several different tests on her. Everything has come back normal so far...and the day before the one mentioned above, I was told that we need to pursue Lyme testing for her. The thought of what that might mean for a little 6 year old....literally sent me to God on my knees in my closet... weeping, grieving and praying that that would not be the case.<br /><br />So...when I woke up the next day in pain, I felt too weak to fight the mental battle. I ended up going to treatment and crying and griping in my mind and out loud the whole way down. I was angry with God....why can't anything be easy?! Why don't you care about me? I try and try ...I have been asking for help forever here....where are you?!! The whole way down I95, my pity party grew . As I neared the main entrance of the hospital I could feel my hands tightening around the wheel, I had allowed myself to be consumed. The front of Halifax Hospital has a steep incline as you turn in, so as I turned to go up, my suburban completely shut down. All controls went dead and I did not have use of the breaks or steering wheel. All I could think of was that I was going to plow straight ahead into the new concrete wall that was the sign for the hospital and there was nothing I could do about it, except watch it all happen in slow motion form of course! :) (It's funny how my mind goes to the ridiculous at this point...pride probably!;)...anyway...all I could think of was "How in the heck am I going to explain this one to everyone!"<br />I think it was the years of having to "pop the clutch of my voltswagon bug and zipping it into neutral" skills that God used to kick some reaction into gear for me.....(Wow...he doesn't waste a thing! Wondered why I had to drive that car for so long?! :)....in a matter of seconds, I had slipped the gear in neutral and cranked the engine again...I was on an incline, so I didn't know if it would work, but it did...just enough to get me to turn the car before hitting the wall and get up to the top of the incline....before it conked out again..I looked at the gauges and in a moment was completely humbled...lower than I believe I have ever been before......because in the midst of my "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!" thoughts....I stared at an "empty" button on my gas tank. In that exact moment, the memory of MUCH needed gas from the night before crossed my mind...I knew there had not been enough gas for me to even make it halfway there and yet "somehow" :) here I was.....in the parking lot of the hospital 40 minutes away from my house! (Not on the side of the highway, not hurt somewhere, etc., but in a safe place.) I had been so caught up in ME and my pity party that morning, that I had failed to even glance at the gauges. And God in His grace and tender mercy had allowed me to safely arrive....even in the midst of all of that he had been taking care of me, His hands were all about me....just not from my perspective. Tears ran down my face like a rushing flood...and I was reminded of His indescribable love for me. It was as if He was speaking to me..."Tam, I know you are in the dark here....but I love you...keep trusting me, don't give up...I AM holding onto you."<br />Tears flowed down my face, I had been so foolish to doubt...and yet He cared enough about me to let me, so that He could remind me of who He was and is.<br />....and if that wasn't enough...I knew if I parked I probably wouldn't get it to start again because of the empty tank(been here before!)...so I drove through the lot and onto the street towards a gas station about 150 yards away. As I was asking God to forgive my pride once again, I asked Him to please somehow get me to the gas station. The car died...but coasted through the green light and into the gas station to the only pump left open...just for me!:) I covered my face with my hands and wept and asked Jesus to give me the strength that I need to keep perservering through this journey and to trust Him, ....even when He is silent. Through the tears I thanked Him for the opportunity to see Him and experience Him like I never had before.<br /><br />God IS near...and He DOES care about me and I am so thankful that He doesn't give up on me, even though I am tempted to give up on Him. A couple of days later, Trent showed me this verse...and it so reflects my journey...I pray I am never as I was before this journey began..<br />"The suffering you sent was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles." Ps. 119:71tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-21070887614294107212009-10-28T12:48:00.001-07:002009-10-28T13:19:26.519-07:00Wow, it's been awhile...alot has happened in the last month or so. <br />We launched epic church in the beginning of September. It has been an amazing and humbling journey...and I am so excited to see what each new day brings, as our story continues!<br /><br />As far as my health goes...I have had a couple of scares with bloodclots in my line. The first one was taken care of pretty easy and quickly. The second one caused a bit more stress, but it is amazing what drano can do these days!! ;) haha...so haven't had a problem since then.<br /><br />Treatment has been going fine....not too fast...and really slow...but it is progessing. I have had some rough days still, but all in all, they seemed to be getting better. About three weeks ago I was rear ended, so that has set me back some...not sure how much at this point. Still waiting on an MRI of my back and neck. I have had some pretty rough days since then....the last two were really rough and today I can barely move. Trent had to help me out of bed, to the bathroom, etc. Fun stuff! :) Makes me feel like a young 90 year old again..so trying to fight off that discouragment...otherwise I was hit by a flying golf ball at the park the other day when I got to get out with my kids for the 1st time in awhile. Yes, that was very exciting....Trent and I looked at each other, while I tried to hold in the "burn" of the contact point....with an expression of ????!!!!!! How do you answer those moments.....no rhyme or reason...we have decided that since I never really had an authentic "bulls -eye"targeted rash that some Lyme patients get..(.mine was just a raised red rash)...then I have instead become the actual "bulls-eye" target. lol<br /><br />So... every day is an exciting adventure! :) Right now we are waiting on a couple of MRI's from the accident and then I am supposed to have another in Dec. to compare the inflamation in the hips (for insurance purposes) etc. The Dr. was wanting to take me off of the meds on DEc. 9th whether or not I am better...(insurance purposes). I am a little concerned about that ...don't want to start all over with meds...or go backwards in my recovery. ...due to insurance purposes ;) So, I would appreciate your prayers on that one...just that God will continue to pave the way...make it clear what our next move needs to be and that all of the details will fall into place accordingly. Still lots of unknowns in the air. Overall I think I might be 50% better...still have a long way to go. My cognitive abilities seem to be much better and some of the physical symptoms have subsided. I still have lots of pain in my hips and legs...and sometimes my back since the accident. Tremors and twitches and facial numbness fit in well during this Halloween season..so I look kind of normal when they come on..:) Appreicate all of your encouragement and prayers..especially for my sister Kelly and brother-in-law Randy, in North Carolina. He got a bone biopsy today, should know something soon.<br /><br />Choosing to remind myself of Truth today......"Never doubt in the darkness what God has shown you in the light."<br />Appreciating life today...hope you are too!<br /><br /><br /><br />Reading Prov. 3:5-6 today...tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-61302418959743875142009-08-27T08:24:00.000-07:002009-08-29T14:52:07.460-07:00PerspectiveThis is the first week of school for my youngest son. It has been a pretty good week so far. Drop off and goodbye's have been positive and smooth. Then today happened....:) We walked in on time and in good spirits....and then "wham" all of a sudden everything changed. My very confident and layed back son became nervous and apprehensive as I felt him reach out and grab (maybe desperately clutch is a better description :) hold of my legs. I leaned down and with my face next to his asked what was wrong. He responded with a very calm and serious explanation..."I like school mom, but I've decided I'm going to stay home with you now."<br />It didn't take me long to realize what he had been "confronted" with. It was at his eye level, about 2 inches from his face and his eyes were locked onto "the target". Due to all of the commotion of drop off time at a preschool classroom, I didn't notice right off the bat, but Koty couldn't miss it. The "it" was a cute little girl, whose eyes were full of tears, lips were quivering with emotion and snot was strung across her face. (Don't you just love preschool kids...ha..they just live out loud...they don't give a rip what they look like...they are only consumed with how they feel in moments like these!:) When I looked at her and gave her a comforting smile, she opened her mouth to let out a big wail. Koty's grip tightened around my neck and I heard him whisper, "I'm ready when you are mom."<br />As one of the teachers came around the little girl with a face full of kindess and reassurance, I turned Koty to look at me and reminded him that everything was going to be ok and he was going to have a great day. He closed his eyes and threw his arms around me. I squeezed him tight and said,<br />"I love you Koty, and I promise I will be back in just a little while to get you." He opened his eyes and looked up at me. Doubt clouded his expression as he turned to look again at the little girl. I reached out and pulled him close and gave him another reassuring hug. When I stood up and looked around the room, it was easy for me to have a birds eye view of the room. I could see what was on the other side of the "distraction". So I firmly pressed Koty's hand into mine, winked at him and said,"I love you Buddy...trust me." Then I pulled him over to another area away from "the distraction". Immediatedly he saw a couple of other little boys sitting down and playing and having fun. A smile slowly crept across his face. He looked up and said, "Ok mom, but I'll miss you alot today," glancing back over his shoulder. As I agreed that I would miss him "loads" too, we said our goodbyes. <br />As I walked out, I was reminded of my own doubting moments. When all I can see (and feel) is what is right in front of me. I don't have the strength or understanding to look around the chaos of the moment to see what is on the other side. I'm simply "frozen" by my surroundings. How many times does God ask me to trust Him and I look at Him, wanting to believe, but have a hard time of shrugging off the doubt. The vital thing is that I not let go of Him, even when I am tempted to doubt. To follow His lead and stay close to Him...and in the process He will show me the other side and I am once again humbled, because I know that He can see things and places I cannot. He WILL lead me and guide me...I simply have to choose to trust. <br />I don't know what I would do without my kids....God uses them to teach me lessons about myself everyday. I'm still a work in progress.tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-53470132449553958272009-08-22T20:15:00.000-07:002009-08-22T21:07:40.471-07:00I got to meet a new friend this morning in treatment. Though we were from completely different generations and backgrounds, his story reminded me of so many of my own thoughts and struggles on this journey. Wondering why me, why this, why now? His story is one of great tragedy and yet I wonder ..and know...that God is simply calling Him to Himself. God loves us...(more than I have ever known before until now)...and will go to ANY lengths for us to know His love, even if it means struggle for us. Sometimes that is the only place we will give Him thought or attention. He desires us to wrestle with Him, if that's what it takes, so that we will know, without a shadow of a doubt, of His love for us and in turn, give us a love for Him that is so passionate...that we will not be able desire or pursue anything else, but His presence.<br /><br />If you have not known a desire like that for Him in awhile....I challenge you to ask Him for it...it is what He longs to give each one of us. He is the only thing that can fill the holes that we so desperately try to fill with anything that we can get our hands or minds on. We try everything but Christ himself until we have no more options. Only then do we look to Him. How God's heart aches for us...for us to be restored to a relationship with Himself. He gave all that He had..his only Son, to die the worst death, for us...people who want nothing to do with Him...and He did it before we even existed.<br />It amazes me that sometimes only the loss of precious things: our lives, our abilties, our desires and dreams etc. will get us to pursue God...and even then...it is only to get what we want...to manipulate and control Him, like a genie in a bottle. If I do this....go to church, stop bad language, be nice to people, etc....then God will....._______.<br />We have such a screwed up view of love... We have expectations, and expect God to show up just how we want Him to show up...and when He doesn't...well, we reject Him, question Him, or just walk away from Him. Wow...the things we miss out on! and simply because WE get in the way. Why does God tell us to "die to ourselves"? Because He knows that He is the only one who can fill our "hole" and until we do that...we can never see Him...our ego, profile, etc. is just way too big! :)<br />Why does suffering and difficult cirmcumstances happen to good, bad or indifferent people? Maybe it's a consequence to a poor choice, maybe it's because God is more concerned with developing your character rather than being concerned with your comfort or maybe it is simply because He is trying to give you what you are truly longing for without realizing it....Himself.tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-3052416716645385782009-08-14T11:04:00.000-07:002009-08-22T20:15:14.895-07:00This morning I was reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness. It has been a crazy week filled with lots of activity...mentally, emotionally and physically....lots of moments to wonder, "God what are you up to..What's going on? So many people I dearly care about in dire circumstances..." and then I read this...<br /><br />Ps. 66: 9-10&12b "Our lives are in His hands, and he keeps our feet from stumbling. You have tested us, O God; you have purified us like silver melted in a cruicible.....We went through fire and flood. But you brought us to a place of great abundance."<br /><br /><br />I know the "melting" and "purifying" process is not fun..and it can be very stressful and unrelenting, exhausting and overwhelming and defeating. But I know, and continue to find, that through that process we find beauty and purpose.<br /><br /><br />Through whatever we may be going through...we must remember<br />" God doesn't build skyscrapers; men build skyscrapers. And they all have a touch of genius, human genius. But you cannot find a man who can make a star. And when God steps in, His working is like the difference between a skyscraper and a star." (Chuck Swindol)<br /><br />I have to continue to remind myself to wait on the designer...because in the midst of my chaos there sometimes seems no purpose, no understanding, and every reason to give up hope,....but I have to remember the truth....God's timing is perfect..and when I wait for it and put my trust in Him...He will take my breath away with what only He can do!tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-16104763301258920392009-08-11T15:44:00.000-07:002009-08-14T11:12:46.316-07:00I have been having problems sleeping for the last 2 weeks. I wake up with severe night sweats and burning sensations. Lots of feeling of swelling in hands and feet. Sometimes I even wake from "inner" trembling. It feels like my whole body is shaking uncontrollably on the inside, but on the outside it is unnoticeable. Severe stomach pains can happen too, usually in the middle of the night and it is hard to get back to sleep. So I have spent alot of a.m time reading and listening to podcasts or praying. I was a kinda sad when i showed up at the doc's and realized I have gained 20 lbs.! ugh! (I think my body has had an easier time with digestion, so I have been eating some things i haven't been able to before.:) ...I'm choosing to look at this as a good thing! haha<br /><br /><div>Anyway..I went to the Dr. and he asked me if I was noticing any difference. I felt like I have had less pain overall and have been more flexible and have a wider range of motion. (Honestly, I was kind of nervous as I was talking...hoping I wasn't just "thinking postively", or even desperately..but rather hoping that my body was actually responding to the treatment.)</div><br /><div>He let me know that was good news and wanted to ask before he gave me the bloodwork results, just to make sure I was seeing the results as well. The bloodwork showed that the inflamation and infection has gone down somewhat...not too much and not too quickly, but something seems to be happening. (Yeah!!!) I literally choked back the tears and tried not to just start bawling! ..It was a good thing! :) i guess in that moment, I felt like God allowed me to be assured of His presence in a small but mighty way (that His hand is in fact entwined with mine), by simply showing me a glimpse of light and hope. His direction is revealed that way many times in my life. Though I feel like I walk in the dark for so long, wondering where exactly He is, or feeling myself groping around just trying to find my way in the right direction or a direction at all..the truth of the matter is, ..no matter how I FEEL...He IS always there. He waits for me to set patterns in my life, determining in my heart to stay close to Him and to trust Him ...no matter what..no matter if plans go my way...or not. Usually then and only then, He steps in to show me a "light" by revealing Himself, His ways, or His direction. That's what I recieved the other day..one of those moments of truth, which gives me the strength to carry on, even when all the details are not yet figured out. </div><div>I love this statement from Chuck Swindol, " God has entrusted to us a great deal. He knows that we can do all things by His grace, so He's trusting in us to trust in Him." I pray I will continue to prove myself faithful in that as I continue on my journey.</div><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-36202207685215837782009-08-09T15:56:00.000-07:002009-08-10T15:23:02.892-07:00I have been praying lately that God would continue to stretch my vision and my heart for people and needs all around me and to somehow transfer that passion along to my children. Today I was in the grocery store with my daughter Annie, 6 and my son Koty 4. I was just thanking God for the gift of being able to push the cart and walk around the store ( It's amazing how that "drudgery" can become such a joy when it has been taken away from you!:) when I rounded the corner to find such a moment. My heart was crushed when I glanced down an aisle to find an elderly woman in a wheelchair trying to look for an item. She had an old wheelchair which she was scooting along in, with the use of one leg. ( The other leg had been amputated above the knee.) She was holding a shopping basket with her hands as she scanned the aisle for her purchases. There were many people passing her on the aisle and standing beside her. Yet, no one was offering assistance in any way and were actually huffing with annoyance that she would have' the audacity' to get in their way as they continued to steam roll through the aisle. I glanced at my kids, realizing that this was one of those teachable moments...at the same time turning my cart around to go down the aisle to see if we could assist her. I hobbled up to her with my cane, at the same time trying to put out of my mind how comical this scene must look like (here I've got my own limitations..haha). When I reached her I simply asked, "Is there something I could help you find?" She was taken aback and so I repeated the question. After locating the cocktail sauce that was at the very top of the shelf and having a quick interchange, I asked if there was anything else she needed help with. "No," she answered still a little dumbfounded. I was so surprised and thankful when my kids responded kindly and loving to her as we turned to go. Annie gave her a winning and very authentic smile and simply told her 'Thank you for letting us help you, I hope you have a good day." Koty smiled too, and chimed in, "You are special." Where they got it, I'm not quite sure, but I turned quickly trying to hold back the tears. I was thankful that God had allowed a moment for my kids to see and experience the meaning of 'love your neighbor'. A little while later, we spotted her again in the frozen section trying to manhandle the door and balance on one leg to reach for the chicken nuggets. Annie responded quickly and ran to hold the door open for her. Koty followed suite by asking, How can we help?" by the time I caught up with them, I reached in to grab the nuggets and we were able to talk a bit. She was a single grandmother whose daughter had just come down with a sickness and now she would be raising her grandchildren. She just wanted to be able to pick up a few treats for there arrival. My heart was so heavy...why do we live not seeing the needs around us. Now that I've been sick, I am overwhelmed with the need... everyday that surrounds us..yet most of the time we are simply too busy to do anything about it.<div> We went our way and then , just as we were checking out, she scooted up behind us. She wanted to thank us for noticing her need and helping her. The kids faces were shining! They were more excited than ever to know that they had been a blessing. That started more dialogue on the way home between the three of us. They were so energized to be of help to someone they couldn't wait to find the next need! </div><div>How exciting is that?! It is what I long for in my children. To have a selfless heart...one that they act on , not just talk about. That their lives will be lived in a way that honors and values others. Especially those in need.</div><div> What are we doing on a daily basis to help those around us? Most of the time we are so consumed with our schedules and plans, that we are just like the rest of the people on that aisle... frustrated with interruptions or delays, rather than recognizing opportunities to live out generosity, kindness and love.</div><div>If for no other reason...this sickness of mine has been an instrument used from God to open my eyes. To see the vital, rather than the urgent. Those are the things I want to be intentional about.. every day.</div><div><br /></div><div>"And you must the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.....equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' no other commandment is greater than these." Mark 12:30-31</div>tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-71987963601721457602009-07-26T13:59:00.000-07:002009-07-26T15:09:43.096-07:00It's been a long hard couple of weeks. It seems like everyday brings a new battle to fight, whether its physical, mental or emotional. In the midst of it all, God's grace and God's grace alone, continues to carry me and give me the strength, patience, endurance and grace I need, and exactly when I need it. <br />Overall, I am beginning to feel a little stronger. I was able to walk without my cane several days in a row again, though still limping and fighting off pain in my hips and legs. Also, to my great surprise, I was able to hold my grandniece, Bella, on my lap the other day with no pain (first time since she was born), go to the hair salon and sit in the backward seat where you get your hair washed, and then hold my own son Koty on my lap without pain...(first time in over 2years!) Pretty substantial for me...I really had to hold back the tears...and not from pain! Yeah!!:) And literally cherish the closeness and sweetness of precious moments like this that God gives us, but that so many times we take for granted.<br /><br />I have had some pretty rough days with swollen feet and hands and migrains too. But for the most part they seem to be subsiding along with the burning sensations in my neck and arms. Probably the most frustrating symptom I have had to deal with the last 2 weeks has been the inability to communicate. Sometimes I am simply too exhausted to even follow a thought. I have trouble remembering words and find myself withdrawing from conversations because it has been just too difficult and frustrating to participate. Sometimes that is fine with me because I am so tired and because I actually do like my quiet time, but I have been trying to take advantage of the last couple of times I will be able to be with some of my fellow patients. This week marks recovery for some of them, which I am so thankful for! (They have had it pretty rough.) Tuesday, one of my favorite people will be getting his pickline out. Although I am so glad for his recovery, I will miss his sense of humor and his sweet and tender spirit. He has truly been a Godsend for me...and God has used him to prove that laughter really is good medicine..especially in the most difficult of circumstances.:)<br /><br />Also, I have been so thankful for my kids. They continually remind me that life is not a destination, but a journey. Healed or not, I don't want to waste what I have been given. And I also don't want to just be focused on that one aspect of life...to be healed. It will happen, whether it is here or heaven. So until that happens, I want to be focused on taking advantage of every moment that God has given me to be a tool that God uses to transform lives that He places in my life. There is so much more to life than simply going through the motions! I am so thankful that He continues to reveal that to me on a daily basis.tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-12080160432254421862009-07-14T14:44:00.000-07:002009-07-14T14:55:27.205-07:00I just came out of 3 long days of chest pain, muscle pain, swollen feet and hands and exhaustion mainly with a few other symptoms tossed in there. But today was a good day overall. I had more energy for the most part and I had a huge breakthrough!......For the first time in over 2 years I was able to shave my legs all by myself!! :) To some, that might not be a big deal, but for me...it was absolutely unbelievable! Most of the time I have a hard time twisting, bending or reaching. And when I try it, I am in pain for days. Today I did it all. I still had pain, but it was my normal stuff...nothing added to it because of the movements. Afterward, I literally cried and thanked God for the moment. <br />I know the tough times are not over...but I am so thankful for the sweet refreshing, personal touches that God seems to send to remind me that He is there and somehow we will make it through this thing together!tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-18742466737000191432009-07-05T08:23:00.000-07:002009-07-05T09:22:07.816-07:00I'm in my 4th week of treatment...hard to believe I have been driving to Daytona everyday for that long! ha...It has been an interesting journey...(the treatment...the drive itself is pretty boring:)..I haven't been able to write any thoughts lately due to exhaustion, pain, and literally no brain. I actually have no excuse anymore...I AM on drugs! ha<br /><br /><br />People keep asking me if I feel any change...not really. Some days I'm like.."Wow...maybe"..and then .."no." I know it will be a slow process and I think (although there are moments!) I'm ok with that. Of course if I had my choice I want to be better now..I want to be able get up and walk without my whole body trembling from stiffness. I want to be able to turn or move in my bed when I sleep. I want to be able to dance or even sway to music without crying (not from emotion either! :) I want to be able to sit on my couch and hold my kids and read them a story or pick them up to give them a hug. But,.. I know that God has more important things for me to be focusing on right now. Does that mean that they are not important, or that my role as a mom is not important or that the simple, personal things do not mean anything to God?....I can honestly say ..absolutely not! Those little things mean so much to God...more than I could ever comprehend...He is actually all about detail and "the little things"...but I know that in His unwavering love for me...He knows none of that will ever be able to be anything for anyone if I have not become who He needs me to be first.<br /><br />God has wanted me to only be able to have access to Him these last (over) 2 years. Absolutely nothing else...not my legs, or most of my body, my time, my days or my future, my doctors and reactions to medications, or even my brain most days..because when I have access to it...I totally depend on myself. (not Him). I work everything out according to MY plan and my ideas..etc. I have always been able to justify that away..."I'm a good worker, I organize my time well, I, I , I, I...my life has been about me...and bottom line...that's a wasted life. I have done good things, but it was usually to serve MY purposes, whether to pat myself on the back and stroke my own pride or out of guilt, or whatever...but rarely simply because I love God and love people. A long time ago I prayed that I would have a pure heart, and God is finally answering that prayer...just not in the way I had originally designed. So..I am waiting for the physical healing (haven't given up on it!), but in the meantime... I'm focusing on my heart and on God...and letting Him teach me the rest.<br />"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me." Ps. 51:10tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-58197314449583022252009-06-20T13:14:00.000-07:002009-07-05T08:23:28.234-07:00I am 2 days from calling it an official "2 weeks" of treatment. This week I have been experiencing more symptoms and cycles of the disease. Insomnia, Night Sweats, tender soles of feet, joint pain, stomach pain, swollen and painful lymph nodes in the chest, arm pits and rib area, chest pain and rapid heart beat, exhaustion, lightheadedness, acheness all over, swollen eyes and flu like symptoms...also a little bit of Katherine Hepburn going on here and there. :) All in all it was a good week. We had some friends come through for a couple of days and God gave me exactly the strength that I needed for that..and then some! I even had 3 days of no cane and very little pain in the hips believe it or not. I am learning to simply cherish those moments and make the most of them, instead of waiting for the next "'wall" to hit.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />This week has given me many moments to reflect on the stories and life events of those so very dear to my heart. It is amazing how bogged down with our own little world we can become and how small our problems seem when we open ourselves to the pain and need around us. My heart has been so broken for some of my friends and relatives and for all that they are up against, physically, emotionally and mentally. Since there is little I can actually do in my state right now...which at times is the most frustrating of all for me because I am a doer...God continues to draw me to himself and I find myself on my knees pouring out my heart to Him for these people and their circumstances. In the midst of those precious moments, God seems to give me a calm assurance that he indeed is working His plan and that in the midst of chaos and seemingly lost hopes, He most definitely has everything under control. It is in these moments also, that God continues to remind me of His great love for me and for them...that though I want to be healthy and able to run around and "do" whatever needs to be done...I am actually in the best place doing the best thing i can do ...which is relying on the Creator, the Lifegiver, the Hope filler, the Provider, the Deliverer..etc. etc. ...and not myself....Its amazing to me how many times I want to be in control of the events, the plans, the outcomes, etc. and usually before I know it, I am grabbing back the wheel trying to steer things in the "right"direction. I am sooo thankful that God is sooo patient and doesn't write me off for the 5ooth time of wrestling for control again. <br />Romans 8;28-29a...I think I'm finally just beginning to grasp the meaning of these verses..<br />"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son..." I know God is using this place where I am at...I am so thankful that He cares for me so much and wants me to become more like him, that He allows me to be in places that are uncomfortable and downright painful, for me to open my eyes to things I never would have made myself look at..whether it was in me or in situations around me.<br />I've been too busy to notice Him and too busy trying to do things by myself...He knew I needed to be in a position to rely on Him and to observe Him and what He is able to do. (For me and for people close to me.) It has been lifechanging...and I never want to be the same again.tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-23183277595826306622009-06-12T18:38:00.000-07:002009-06-12T19:12:58.157-07:001st week of treatmentI have had 4 treatments now. It has been a very humbling week. I have not had any allergic reactions to the medication and I cannot explain how grateful I am to God for that!! I have had lots of herxing (which means the symptoms of the disease itself flare up). That was expected and is expected throughout the course of the treatment. The idea is that the flare ups become less severe and less frequent. Some of the symptoms this week have been exhaustion,migrains, nausea and stomach pain, sensitivity to light, and heat. Burning sensations in the arms and hands and neck. Facial numbness, severe pain in the hips, legs and lower back. Rapid heart beat, swollen and painful lymph nodes in the chest and under the armpit and burning and tenderness in the soles of the feet. All in all it has been a pretty good week and I am so thankful for God's goodness to me.<br /><br />Everyday, God has given me greater peace as I surrender all of my fears and concerns to Him. I know that in the midst of the chaos, He is with me and He is allowing the details to play out exactly in accordance with His plan. As Joni Eareckson Tada writes,..."When life seems crazy, and utterly out of control, it is not. When it seems as though God has forgotten you or turned His back on you to tinker with some other universe, He has not. When it seems like you have somehow fallen out of His favor, been edged outside the circle of His protection, or missed the bus on His love, you have not....And that's what it means to walk by faith."<br /><br />Thanks for your continual prayers...they enable me to do such things!:)tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-37855322464600220552009-06-09T18:43:00.001-07:002009-06-12T18:38:07.239-07:00June 9The last couple of days seemed to be a little emtional for me. I guess just wrestling the fear and uncertainty again. Going into this treatment with a 50/50 diagnosis and treatment plan can be a little stressful at times. After talking to God again about all of the unknowns, my feelings, etc. I came across this verse:<br /><br />"From the ends of the earth I call to you,<br />I call as my heart grows faint;<br />lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Ps. 61:2-3<br /><br />Man, I am so thankful for details. I am detailed most of the time anyway, especially in my work, but in my most desperate moments, when I feel hope slipping away from me...the details that God includes in His promises are literally life for me. They are a firm hold that keep me from losing ground and slipping.<br /><br /><br /><br />"The ends of the earth" speaks of regions we would never willingly go. (Whether that region might be suffering, depression, blasted hopes, you name it). However, at some point in the course of our lives, we all find ourselves "at the ends of the earth" And even "as" my heart grows faint- (not "if", but"as") - somehow reassures me that I 'm not a freak or a loser for finding myself in this spot (again). It's part of being in that region...when I'm overwhelmed, my senses may be numb, I am spiritually and physically exhausted, I feel battered, bruised, alone. God seems so far away, like he doesn't hear or respond to anything I am asking, sometimes begging for, and I feel like giving up, like throwing in the towel. But, in those times that my heart is so low and I feel so weak and depleted that I can't even drag myself to that High Rock, we can ask the Rock to come to us. Then He will take us by our weary hands and <span style="font-family:georgia;"><em>lead</em></span> us to Himself. Isn't that great? Even when I am too weak and overwhelmed to come to Him, He will come to me! So that's the promise that I took hold of today and was refreshed by, no matter what is to come this week...God is my Rock, my refuge and my strength.tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-18340756659280710122009-06-03T18:41:00.000-07:002009-06-03T19:07:49.623-07:00Results are inCame back from the Dr.'s office. It was a good visit. He had all of the results back from all of the tests. Spinal Tap showed no MS...that is not even on the table anymore.<br />Spinal Tap showed no sign of Lyme either. (was expected)<br />Bloodwork..all negative except one....it was a maybe....(not surprised)<br />MRI came back with questions...I ended up having an ultrasound to clarify. Ultrasound was clear, but the MRI looked very "diseased" in the hip area....so.....<br /><br />It is either Ankylosing spondylitis or Lyme Disease. I have had 3 blood tests for AS, all which were neg. Still...<br />There is no cure or treatment for AS. It is a disease where the spine and bones of the hip begin to fuse together. Eventually your whole body becomes fused and you can have difficulty moving, breathing, etc. (Don't know all of the details yet.) It does explain some of my symptoms, but not all.<br />Lyme can be treated and may or may not go away. Everything is kind of "ify" in the treatment, even the length of treatment. It could explain the AS condition if I actually do have Lyme Disease. I won't know unless I go through treatment and begin to get better. (Lyme is still the only one that actually explains all of my symptoms.)<br />So, I only have one option....do the Lyme treatment. I get a pickline and start the IV treatment on Monday....and we shall see. I know it will get worse before it gets better. <br /><br />Came across this verse today...<br /><br />"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD." Ps. 112:7 (NIV)<br /><br />I appreciate your prayers...to be courageous (and for my "nonsticky" brain to remember that verse! :)tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7429160763937195433.post-48537484254236948012009-06-03T07:23:00.000-07:002009-06-03T18:39:26.362-07:00June 3Hope you can give me grace today...thinking out loud....<br /><br />I'm getting ready for another Dr. appointment. This one is supposed to give me all of the results from the spinal tap and last round of bloodwork that went out to CA. (Lyme speciality center) I'm a little apprehensive. The last time I walked out of this guy's office I was left with a decision to make. No matter what the results come back(and expect them to come back neg.he said)...my decision needs to have been made whether or not I will do the treatment for Lyme. It's not like it's an easy treatment...and the treatment can be as foggy as the disease itself. Since that day I have spent alot of time talking to God. Telling him my fears, my thoughts and my desires. Asking for more clarity and confirmation for the disease. I have had only one pos. test for Lyme disease..then 2 neg. I have been told so many contradicting things...who do you believe, what do you believe...only God knows the real answers...only He knows what path to take...what treatment, if any, is the one to follow. A couple of weeks ago I came across info. and people that seemed to confirm the diagnosis, but there was no absolute bloodwork involved....all the "uncertainty" leaves me so exhausted sometimes and in the middle of that exhaustion, the phantom disease begins to play its old tricks on my mind and body.<br />"Why does every inch of this journey have to be so dang hard?! God, why can't you at least tell me, for certain, what I'm dealing with here?!" Thoughts like these seem to rage within me ...moments like now, when I'm not sure if I want to see another Dr. and hear the unhelpful results he found...once again. Moments, when I am scared to face the unknown, I feel alone and helpless, weary and "done". These are the moments I am tempted to be afraid to hope again, hope for an answer, hope that my God truly hears my cries and cares for me. But I have learned, and am learning that it is at those moments that I have a choice...to believe what God says or not, despite what everything looks or feels like.<br /><br />So this is the promise that I am trusting once again...<br />"Though youths grow weary and tired,<br />And vigorous young men stumble badly,<br />Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength:<br />They will mount up with wings like eagles,<br />They will run and not get tired,<br />They will walk and not become weary." Is. 40:30-31<br /><br />Waiting on God is an active, confident trusting- an instant obedience. When the Bible talks about waiting on God in my suffering, it means confidently trusting that God knows how much I need and can take. It means looking expectantly toward the time when He will free me from my burdens....those who wait for Him in their distress will recieve strength and endurance which others know nothing about. We mustn't wait in a dull sort of way with an indifferent attitude. We must rejoice in our hope - in spite of our suffering, in the face of whatever difficult life circumstance we may be enduring. (Joni Earicksen Tada)<br /><br />"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:<br />Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.<br />They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.<br />I say to myself,"The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."<br />The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;<br />it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. " Lam. 3:21-26tammyschakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17438523243752305656noreply@blogger.com0