Well, it has been too long since I have updated this post, but life has been rather busy shuffling med charts , etc. We finally got Annie and Koty's results back and they both tested positive for Lyme disease. They have been on treatment for about 3 weeks now. Their disease is not as advanced as mine, so at this point their treatment will be a whole lot simpler and straight forward. Not sure of the time factor. Like all Lyme disease patients, it depends on the individual, how they respond, etc.
So far Annie has had a couple of rough moments, but thankfully they haven't stayed constant. Koty's medicine doses are very low, so it will take him a bit longer to respond. The doc's plan is to keep all of us on a low enough dose that we can still live without being completely wiped out by the disease or the treatments.
People often ask me what the kids symptoms are in comparison to mine. They both have muscle pain and twisting, however, they come and go and do not stay constant like mine. They both have some major stomach issues, Annie more so than Koty. Neck pain (in the back of the neck and head), headaches, hot flashes, mood swings, joint pain. Koty gets severe joint pain in his knees and ankles and has times when he is unable to walk at all. Annie has ankle pain and weakness. Sometimes she has to be careful when playing because it will start twisting up on her or give out completely and she will "wipe out". Insomnia is also a factor for them, Annie more than Koty.
We are planning on attending school this year, but honestly, that is one area I am still giving over to God. Not sure if I feel completely comfortable with it yet or not. Lyme disease can attack any and all of the body systems, and there are other symptoms that they have that could be a little embarassing and/or frustrating. Sometimes Annie has times when she is unable to verbalize her thoughts correctly or quickly enough and both Annie and Koty have had times when their bodies will not recognize the need to go to the restroom before it is too late. Also, there are moments for Annie when she has "panic" type attacks. I think it is mostly when her "inside" symptoms start to flare up, such as "the shakes" (you feel like your whole body is shaking, except that its not showing it on the outside) or fast heartbeat or seeing flashes in your peripheral vision. all of those things can be a little creepy to an adult, much less a 7 year old. Anyway, we would appreciate your prayers as we get ready for this next school year.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Getting ready to start a new med. tomorrow. So far things have been pretty good. Again, so thankful for my doctor and grateful (beyond words) that she is going slowly with my treatment. Two weeks ago I was "down for the count" for most of the week. I had taken more than I was supposed to on one of my meds. and it caused the Lyme to kick into gear at full speed. Not unusual....that's why we are going very slow. So this week I didn't "up" anything so that I could level out. (Sorry...having a bit of a problem with finding the right words...haha...you should see me with the kids....we are going to be the champs at Charades!:)
Anyway,... this last week allowed my body to adjust, so I was able to be with the kids while they have been out of school for Spring Break. Most of the problems I have been having the last couple of weeks (apart from the crazy week) have been with my hearing and my vision. Sometimes it's nice to not hear things..:)...but I'm a little nervous to lose it completely. I usually listen to music or podcasts when I can't sleep and now that I am having vision problems, it's hard to read too. I still have burning sensations throughout my body and I have had a hard time with insomnia. My overall pain has lessened for the most part. Monday through Wed. are my roughest days. Usually by the weekend I have leveled out, which is great because the kids are home from school and I get to participate in epic (our church), family or other activities.
Migrains, tremors, twitches, memory and word searching have been difficult as well. I have found myself withdrawing from conversations again....because it is so exhausting to concentrate on the conversation and keep up sometimes and it's hard at times to respond...I know what I am thinking...just can't get it out.
Annie and Koty have both been having problems on and off for awhile, but lately they have both increased. Koty has had problems walking all week, lots of pain in his knees and stomach. We are waiting for results for Annie concerning Lyme and now we will be testing Koty. We were all on the hike together, and from what I understand, sometimes it takes awhile for it to kick in for kids. I would appreciate your prayers for them.
Thankful for so many things and so many people. Today I had the chance to be at the beach for an extended time...first time in a long time my body didn't react to the sun and heat. I almost cried just feeling the breeze. :0 Also, I have been able to roll over in bed without crying! Can't tell you how exciting that is! I know this one doesn't sound too exciting...but ..wow...it is...was able to put a sheet on Koty's bed... all by myself. (Only took about 20 minutes!ha)
The simplest things in life are truly treasures. The sad thing is that sometimes it takes losing those things before we can really appreciate them. I read this quote again today...very humbling...
"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining;
in love even when I am alone;
and in God even when He is silent."
(inscription found scratched into a wall in Germany by someone hiding from Nazi concentration camp.)
Anyway,... this last week allowed my body to adjust, so I was able to be with the kids while they have been out of school for Spring Break. Most of the problems I have been having the last couple of weeks (apart from the crazy week) have been with my hearing and my vision. Sometimes it's nice to not hear things..:)...but I'm a little nervous to lose it completely. I usually listen to music or podcasts when I can't sleep and now that I am having vision problems, it's hard to read too. I still have burning sensations throughout my body and I have had a hard time with insomnia. My overall pain has lessened for the most part. Monday through Wed. are my roughest days. Usually by the weekend I have leveled out, which is great because the kids are home from school and I get to participate in epic (our church), family or other activities.
Migrains, tremors, twitches, memory and word searching have been difficult as well. I have found myself withdrawing from conversations again....because it is so exhausting to concentrate on the conversation and keep up sometimes and it's hard at times to respond...I know what I am thinking...just can't get it out.
Annie and Koty have both been having problems on and off for awhile, but lately they have both increased. Koty has had problems walking all week, lots of pain in his knees and stomach. We are waiting for results for Annie concerning Lyme and now we will be testing Koty. We were all on the hike together, and from what I understand, sometimes it takes awhile for it to kick in for kids. I would appreciate your prayers for them.
Thankful for so many things and so many people. Today I had the chance to be at the beach for an extended time...first time in a long time my body didn't react to the sun and heat. I almost cried just feeling the breeze. :0 Also, I have been able to roll over in bed without crying! Can't tell you how exciting that is! I know this one doesn't sound too exciting...but ..wow...it is...was able to put a sheet on Koty's bed... all by myself. (Only took about 20 minutes!ha)
The simplest things in life are truly treasures. The sad thing is that sometimes it takes losing those things before we can really appreciate them. I read this quote again today...very humbling...
"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining;
in love even when I am alone;
and in God even when He is silent."
(inscription found scratched into a wall in Germany by someone hiding from Nazi concentration camp.)
Monday, March 15, 2010
Almost a month into my new treatment. I have to say that I am so thankful for my doctor! We have been slowly progressing into the treatment a med at a time. Every week I add more and today is the biggest leap by doubling some doses and adding three new meds. I'm usually "down" the first couple of days of the week..nights are rough, but then it levels out by the weekend. So usually by Sunday my body has worked through the crazy symptoms just in time to start up again on Monday. But the doc is so great. She really wants me to be able to function day to day as much as possible instead of living at the hospital (because of med or symptom overload!) We are in contact with her continually and have more access to her (in North Carolina) than we ever had with my local dr.'s So she has been a tremendous blessing and answer to prayer!
Trent and I had a phone conference with her this morning and everything seems to be going ok. I go in for bloodwork tomorrow..if I can stand the meds tonight, otherwise I may be in bed for a couple of days ..that's always fun!
Something you can be praying for with us about....Annie has had several new "symptoms" show up in the last couple of weeks. (Several are exactly like mine, just not as severe...muscle twisting, migrains, burning sensations in her arms and hands, etc.) After discussing her with the doc. we are going ahead with some more specific tests for chronic Lyme (for her). Hoping to have those results before too long. Praying that it is not that, but seems like it is more than just a digestive issue.
Trent and I had a phone conference with her this morning and everything seems to be going ok. I go in for bloodwork tomorrow..if I can stand the meds tonight, otherwise I may be in bed for a couple of days ..that's always fun!
Something you can be praying for with us about....Annie has had several new "symptoms" show up in the last couple of weeks. (Several are exactly like mine, just not as severe...muscle twisting, migrains, burning sensations in her arms and hands, etc.) After discussing her with the doc. we are going ahead with some more specific tests for chronic Lyme (for her). Hoping to have those results before too long. Praying that it is not that, but seems like it is more than just a digestive issue.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Trent and I returned from North Carolina two weeks ago Monday night. It was a whirlwind trip, but God's fingerprints were all over the trip. I made the long trip up and back, (that in itself was fantastic!) and was even able to sleep well in a bed that worked! (Can't tell you what an answer to prayer those two things were!)
Anyway...the Dr. was very knowledgeable in chronic Lyme disease and seemed to answer most questions before we even had a chance to answer them. We spent almost 10 hours with her. Since we have been home, we have been trying to get everything situated and worked out. The details of all the meds., bloodwork, treatment plans, etc. I will be starting a whole new treatment. The one I was on only addressed a portion of the actual treatment needed. Long story....bottom line... as I go on this new one, things will get worse before I get better. I have had "game face" days. Those are the days I am determined to get through whatever...bring it on! ... but I have also had days where I am scared to death. I know the risks and what is to come, and there are moments I wonder if it is worth it. ( That's usually about the time that God sends in His special forces (one of my kids) and I am reminded that I don't have the luxury for those kinds of thoughts.)
Right now I am still waiting on Dr. input to decide which path I will take....oral treatment or IV/oral. Both will work...IV is the one I am trying to go for, it is a faster treatment and is better on my GI tract, ....there are more risks involved though and I do need a Florida Dr. to sign off.
As I continually process through all of my thoughts and emotions about this deal...I continually come back to this ( a thought from Walter Wangerin Jr.)...
"I beg God that I might do this thing with grace and gracefully, no matter its length or its ending."
And these two great verses:
I corinthians 9:26 " So I run with purpose in every step."
Hebrews 12:1-2 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish."
Anyway...the Dr. was very knowledgeable in chronic Lyme disease and seemed to answer most questions before we even had a chance to answer them. We spent almost 10 hours with her. Since we have been home, we have been trying to get everything situated and worked out. The details of all the meds., bloodwork, treatment plans, etc. I will be starting a whole new treatment. The one I was on only addressed a portion of the actual treatment needed. Long story....bottom line... as I go on this new one, things will get worse before I get better. I have had "game face" days. Those are the days I am determined to get through whatever...bring it on! ... but I have also had days where I am scared to death. I know the risks and what is to come, and there are moments I wonder if it is worth it. ( That's usually about the time that God sends in His special forces (one of my kids) and I am reminded that I don't have the luxury for those kinds of thoughts.)
Right now I am still waiting on Dr. input to decide which path I will take....oral treatment or IV/oral. Both will work...IV is the one I am trying to go for, it is a faster treatment and is better on my GI tract, ....there are more risks involved though and I do need a Florida Dr. to sign off.
As I continually process through all of my thoughts and emotions about this deal...I continually come back to this ( a thought from Walter Wangerin Jr.)...
"I beg God that I might do this thing with grace and gracefully, no matter its length or its ending."
And these two great verses:
I corinthians 9:26 " So I run with purpose in every step."
Hebrews 12:1-2 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish."
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Cycling symptoms
I have had several people ask me what kind of symtpoms I have been having, so I thought I would let you know what "a day in the life "might look like for me lately....although I have to admit, it can change anytime:)
Yesterday I dropped Sydney off to get her hair done when I walked in to pick her up, the smells of the hair salon were so overwhelming. My symptoms instantly seemed to maximize. I felt like my head was put back into the vice grip from ear to ear along the backside. My neck was so stiff I could barely turn my head. My muscles began to twitch and then went into their crippling twisting, especially throughout my hips. My arms began to burn and my face went numb. By the time I got out I could barely think. I was overly sensitive to lights and the noise around me. I am overly sensitive to chemicals, even if i am just smelling them, and any kind of meds. I haven't had as much of a problem with them in awhile, after coming off of treatment, it seems like I am hit by a mac truck when I encounter them.
I had a hard time keeping my head up, usually after that happens, it's like a weight is put on the back of my neck and I can't pick it up. My all over pain intensified for the rest of the evening. by the time i went to bed i was having difficulty breathing...like a belt was wrapped too tightly around my rib cage. I began to have the "inside" shakes...that's when I feel like I look like Catherine Hepburn, but I'm not really exhibiting it physically. (All during that scenario, I was trying to cook dinner and have some time drawing with my kids.) Sometimes in a couple of hours those symptoms might change to something else or even relax somewhat, but after the chemical exposure, it usually intensifies for days to a week and then begins to subside. So last night I had a hard time making it up the stairs. I sat on my knees for about a half hour to try to disperse some of the hip pain. That seemed to help, otherwise, getting into bed is tough. After lying down, the pain shifts around, so that usually lasts for a good couple of hours. Last night I went into intense pain in my hips and back that made my heart rate go up and start racing and skipping beats again. I had difficulty breathing throughout the night. It might start out as the belt buckle scenario and then just turn into being very difficul to get a deep breath, like your rib cage has no expansion capabilities. I had a lot of stomach discomfort also throughout the night. I wish I could say that I tossed and turned, but I am not capable of doing that. I can only lie on one side with my knees bent half way up. If I am lucky, I will be able to straighten them out while still lying on that side in the middle of the night and then bend then back up. On my best nights, i can turn over..very slowly and intentionally. by that I mean I have to physcially manhandle my hips with my hands and pick them up to move them and try to flip myself over to the other side. I usually can only last 15 or twenty min. or so, because it cause my heart to do some funny things. I am so thankful that Trent is a great sleeper! He sleeps through it all! so last night was a onesider no movement kind of night. About 3:00am I woke up with night sweats and my body physically shaking. That lasted about an hour and half. Sometimes I use that time to pray or listen to podcasts. By the time the shaking stops, I have insomnia, so .....I keep on praying or listening to podcasts. If they are really good, I usually end up falling asleep!;) I think I fell asleep at 5:30. Woke up at 7:00 feeling like I was going to throw up from being so dizzy. The room would not stop spinning, and I had only opened my eyes to look at the clock once. My neck went into "paralyze"mode...I feel like I am locked up and can't move, even if I try. Trent let me sleep in and he took the kids to school. (He is so great!..I am so thankful for His support and encouragment!) By 9:00 I was able to get up. My heels were in total pain, very stiff hard to walk, as well as my hip muscles. I ended up kneeling down and asking God to give me enough strength and abiltity to get in the shower and get downstairs,....(I had a meeting scheduled at 2 :) to please keep me close to Him and not give in to discouragement today. As always,....He has seen me through. I made it downstairs, (having had a shower!..yea!)and was able to clean up some rooms and get some paperwork finished for epic ...my brain has had a hard time functioning today. Very foggy...I observe, but cannot process very well. Names and ideas are hard to come by. Headache is very dull feeling and I feel exhausted and run down. Eyes can't focus too well. Harder time getting around today. Chest feels very tight and heavy. Neck continues to remain very stiff and painful.
Was able to pick up Koty from school....so thankful for the moments I get to do that and I love to hear him say..."Mom, I love to hold your hand!" As he walks with me to the car. Those are the moments that keep me going!
I have leftovers from last night....always a good thing! ;) If I can think through all that goes into packing, etc for me and Trent to go to North Carlina and then the kids schedules here to leave for mom, I will be good. It will happen....it usually is just at a much slower pace. So here you go...that about sums it up.
Thinking about this today...Jesus said in John 15:9..."Remain in my love"....remaining is a choice...I can choose to leave (reject or not believe) God's love or choose to remain in (to trust or believe in) God's love for me and submit my will to His. .... so today...even though I might not "feel" like remaining there....I am choosing to .....and I know He will meet me there.
Yesterday I dropped Sydney off to get her hair done when I walked in to pick her up, the smells of the hair salon were so overwhelming. My symptoms instantly seemed to maximize. I felt like my head was put back into the vice grip from ear to ear along the backside. My neck was so stiff I could barely turn my head. My muscles began to twitch and then went into their crippling twisting, especially throughout my hips. My arms began to burn and my face went numb. By the time I got out I could barely think. I was overly sensitive to lights and the noise around me. I am overly sensitive to chemicals, even if i am just smelling them, and any kind of meds. I haven't had as much of a problem with them in awhile, after coming off of treatment, it seems like I am hit by a mac truck when I encounter them.
I had a hard time keeping my head up, usually after that happens, it's like a weight is put on the back of my neck and I can't pick it up. My all over pain intensified for the rest of the evening. by the time i went to bed i was having difficulty breathing...like a belt was wrapped too tightly around my rib cage. I began to have the "inside" shakes...that's when I feel like I look like Catherine Hepburn, but I'm not really exhibiting it physically. (All during that scenario, I was trying to cook dinner and have some time drawing with my kids.) Sometimes in a couple of hours those symptoms might change to something else or even relax somewhat, but after the chemical exposure, it usually intensifies for days to a week and then begins to subside. So last night I had a hard time making it up the stairs. I sat on my knees for about a half hour to try to disperse some of the hip pain. That seemed to help, otherwise, getting into bed is tough. After lying down, the pain shifts around, so that usually lasts for a good couple of hours. Last night I went into intense pain in my hips and back that made my heart rate go up and start racing and skipping beats again. I had difficulty breathing throughout the night. It might start out as the belt buckle scenario and then just turn into being very difficul to get a deep breath, like your rib cage has no expansion capabilities. I had a lot of stomach discomfort also throughout the night. I wish I could say that I tossed and turned, but I am not capable of doing that. I can only lie on one side with my knees bent half way up. If I am lucky, I will be able to straighten them out while still lying on that side in the middle of the night and then bend then back up. On my best nights, i can turn over..very slowly and intentionally. by that I mean I have to physcially manhandle my hips with my hands and pick them up to move them and try to flip myself over to the other side. I usually can only last 15 or twenty min. or so, because it cause my heart to do some funny things. I am so thankful that Trent is a great sleeper! He sleeps through it all! so last night was a onesider no movement kind of night. About 3:00am I woke up with night sweats and my body physically shaking. That lasted about an hour and half. Sometimes I use that time to pray or listen to podcasts. By the time the shaking stops, I have insomnia, so .....I keep on praying or listening to podcasts. If they are really good, I usually end up falling asleep!;) I think I fell asleep at 5:30. Woke up at 7:00 feeling like I was going to throw up from being so dizzy. The room would not stop spinning, and I had only opened my eyes to look at the clock once. My neck went into "paralyze"mode...I feel like I am locked up and can't move, even if I try. Trent let me sleep in and he took the kids to school. (He is so great!..I am so thankful for His support and encouragment!) By 9:00 I was able to get up. My heels were in total pain, very stiff hard to walk, as well as my hip muscles. I ended up kneeling down and asking God to give me enough strength and abiltity to get in the shower and get downstairs,....(I had a meeting scheduled at 2 :) to please keep me close to Him and not give in to discouragement today. As always,....He has seen me through. I made it downstairs, (having had a shower!..yea!)and was able to clean up some rooms and get some paperwork finished for epic ...my brain has had a hard time functioning today. Very foggy...I observe, but cannot process very well. Names and ideas are hard to come by. Headache is very dull feeling and I feel exhausted and run down. Eyes can't focus too well. Harder time getting around today. Chest feels very tight and heavy. Neck continues to remain very stiff and painful.
Was able to pick up Koty from school....so thankful for the moments I get to do that and I love to hear him say..."Mom, I love to hold your hand!" As he walks with me to the car. Those are the moments that keep me going!
I have leftovers from last night....always a good thing! ;) If I can think through all that goes into packing, etc for me and Trent to go to North Carlina and then the kids schedules here to leave for mom, I will be good. It will happen....it usually is just at a much slower pace. So here you go...that about sums it up.
Thinking about this today...Jesus said in John 15:9..."Remain in my love"....remaining is a choice...I can choose to leave (reject or not believe) God's love or choose to remain in (to trust or believe in) God's love for me and submit my will to His. .... so today...even though I might not "feel" like remaining there....I am choosing to .....and I know He will meet me there.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Feb.1st
Seems like it has been a long winter season in more ways than one. Trent and I are getting ready to travel to see a doctor in North Carolina. I have been praying for God's leading on this one for awhile now, and although we had a couple of different possibilities...God seemed to confirm this track. So this weekend we will be setting off for a new adventure.
I have been a little restless and a little nervous. It's always hard for me to start all over again with a new Dr.. I wonder if it will be worth the effort, will they listen, will they be kind, considerate, compassionate? Will they respect me and my family and all that we have been through?...Can I continue to face my fears? Will this be a waste of our time, money and effort? Will it even work? Is it going to cause me to go backwards or through more pain than I can handle? So many questions that seem to cycle around again and again.
But, God continues to remind me that He is with me. No matter the road I am on, or the journey that lay before me, my responsibility is to keep my eyes on Him. To learn to walk at His pace, not mine. He continues to give me enough strength for each day. Though so many times I try to "store up" enough strength and wisdom for the next month....God gently reminds me...Tammy, that's not how it works. I know you better than you will ever know yourself. Trust Me. I created you and I know that you need me everyday....I am the only one who is sufficient for your need. (nothing or no one else....not even yourself can do it.)
So here I am again today...".casting all of my care onto Him , because He cares for me!" and choosing to give my "load" to Him to carry....my thoughts, questions, concerns, burdens, and trusting that He will be the God that He said He would be...and that He has proven to be throughout this entire journey.
I have been a little restless and a little nervous. It's always hard for me to start all over again with a new Dr.. I wonder if it will be worth the effort, will they listen, will they be kind, considerate, compassionate? Will they respect me and my family and all that we have been through?...Can I continue to face my fears? Will this be a waste of our time, money and effort? Will it even work? Is it going to cause me to go backwards or through more pain than I can handle? So many questions that seem to cycle around again and again.
But, God continues to remind me that He is with me. No matter the road I am on, or the journey that lay before me, my responsibility is to keep my eyes on Him. To learn to walk at His pace, not mine. He continues to give me enough strength for each day. Though so many times I try to "store up" enough strength and wisdom for the next month....God gently reminds me...Tammy, that's not how it works. I know you better than you will ever know yourself. Trust Me. I created you and I know that you need me everyday....I am the only one who is sufficient for your need. (nothing or no one else....not even yourself can do it.)
So here I am again today...".casting all of my care onto Him , because He cares for me!" and choosing to give my "load" to Him to carry....my thoughts, questions, concerns, burdens, and trusting that He will be the God that He said He would be...and that He has proven to be throughout this entire journey.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The other day I started feeling myself regressing....I woke up and knew it was going to be a tough day even before I got out of bed. My pain level was up and I struggled just to get in the shower, etc. I had already been through a couple of emotional days with my daughter Annie. Not because of her, but about her. She has had some problems with her digestive system for over 2 years now, but the last 6 months it has progressed to severe abdominal pains, etc. She is usually very happy and playful, so to see her lay on the couch or bent over the toilet, not eating and face turning pale....is very frustrating to say the least. Long story short...after many dr. visits...that didn't want to admit anything was wrong, we have finally seen some specialists who have run several different tests on her. Everything has come back normal so far...and the day before the one mentioned above, I was told that we need to pursue Lyme testing for her. The thought of what that might mean for a little 6 year old....literally sent me to God on my knees in my closet... weeping, grieving and praying that that would not be the case.
So...when I woke up the next day in pain, I felt too weak to fight the mental battle. I ended up going to treatment and crying and griping in my mind and out loud the whole way down. I was angry with God....why can't anything be easy?! Why don't you care about me? I try and try ...I have been asking for help forever here....where are you?!! The whole way down I95, my pity party grew . As I neared the main entrance of the hospital I could feel my hands tightening around the wheel, I had allowed myself to be consumed. The front of Halifax Hospital has a steep incline as you turn in, so as I turned to go up, my suburban completely shut down. All controls went dead and I did not have use of the breaks or steering wheel. All I could think of was that I was going to plow straight ahead into the new concrete wall that was the sign for the hospital and there was nothing I could do about it, except watch it all happen in slow motion form of course! :) (It's funny how my mind goes to the ridiculous at this point...pride probably!;)...anyway...all I could think of was "How in the heck am I going to explain this one to everyone!"
I think it was the years of having to "pop the clutch of my voltswagon bug and zipping it into neutral" skills that God used to kick some reaction into gear for me.....(Wow...he doesn't waste a thing! Wondered why I had to drive that car for so long?! :)....in a matter of seconds, I had slipped the gear in neutral and cranked the engine again...I was on an incline, so I didn't know if it would work, but it did...just enough to get me to turn the car before hitting the wall and get up to the top of the incline....before it conked out again..I looked at the gauges and in a moment was completely humbled...lower than I believe I have ever been before......because in the midst of my "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!" thoughts....I stared at an "empty" button on my gas tank. In that exact moment, the memory of MUCH needed gas from the night before crossed my mind...I knew there had not been enough gas for me to even make it halfway there and yet "somehow" :) here I was.....in the parking lot of the hospital 40 minutes away from my house! (Not on the side of the highway, not hurt somewhere, etc., but in a safe place.) I had been so caught up in ME and my pity party that morning, that I had failed to even glance at the gauges. And God in His grace and tender mercy had allowed me to safely arrive....even in the midst of all of that he had been taking care of me, His hands were all about me....just not from my perspective. Tears ran down my face like a rushing flood...and I was reminded of His indescribable love for me. It was as if He was speaking to me..."Tam, I know you are in the dark here....but I love you...keep trusting me, don't give up...I AM holding onto you."
Tears flowed down my face, I had been so foolish to doubt...and yet He cared enough about me to let me, so that He could remind me of who He was and is.
....and if that wasn't enough...I knew if I parked I probably wouldn't get it to start again because of the empty tank(been here before!)...so I drove through the lot and onto the street towards a gas station about 150 yards away. As I was asking God to forgive my pride once again, I asked Him to please somehow get me to the gas station. The car died...but coasted through the green light and into the gas station to the only pump left open...just for me!:) I covered my face with my hands and wept and asked Jesus to give me the strength that I need to keep perservering through this journey and to trust Him, ....even when He is silent. Through the tears I thanked Him for the opportunity to see Him and experience Him like I never had before.
God IS near...and He DOES care about me and I am so thankful that He doesn't give up on me, even though I am tempted to give up on Him. A couple of days later, Trent showed me this verse...and it so reflects my journey...I pray I am never as I was before this journey began..
"The suffering you sent was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles." Ps. 119:71
So...when I woke up the next day in pain, I felt too weak to fight the mental battle. I ended up going to treatment and crying and griping in my mind and out loud the whole way down. I was angry with God....why can't anything be easy?! Why don't you care about me? I try and try ...I have been asking for help forever here....where are you?!! The whole way down I95, my pity party grew . As I neared the main entrance of the hospital I could feel my hands tightening around the wheel, I had allowed myself to be consumed. The front of Halifax Hospital has a steep incline as you turn in, so as I turned to go up, my suburban completely shut down. All controls went dead and I did not have use of the breaks or steering wheel. All I could think of was that I was going to plow straight ahead into the new concrete wall that was the sign for the hospital and there was nothing I could do about it, except watch it all happen in slow motion form of course! :) (It's funny how my mind goes to the ridiculous at this point...pride probably!;)...anyway...all I could think of was "How in the heck am I going to explain this one to everyone!"
I think it was the years of having to "pop the clutch of my voltswagon bug and zipping it into neutral" skills that God used to kick some reaction into gear for me.....(Wow...he doesn't waste a thing! Wondered why I had to drive that car for so long?! :)....in a matter of seconds, I had slipped the gear in neutral and cranked the engine again...I was on an incline, so I didn't know if it would work, but it did...just enough to get me to turn the car before hitting the wall and get up to the top of the incline....before it conked out again..I looked at the gauges and in a moment was completely humbled...lower than I believe I have ever been before......because in the midst of my "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!" thoughts....I stared at an "empty" button on my gas tank. In that exact moment, the memory of MUCH needed gas from the night before crossed my mind...I knew there had not been enough gas for me to even make it halfway there and yet "somehow" :) here I was.....in the parking lot of the hospital 40 minutes away from my house! (Not on the side of the highway, not hurt somewhere, etc., but in a safe place.) I had been so caught up in ME and my pity party that morning, that I had failed to even glance at the gauges. And God in His grace and tender mercy had allowed me to safely arrive....even in the midst of all of that he had been taking care of me, His hands were all about me....just not from my perspective. Tears ran down my face like a rushing flood...and I was reminded of His indescribable love for me. It was as if He was speaking to me..."Tam, I know you are in the dark here....but I love you...keep trusting me, don't give up...I AM holding onto you."
Tears flowed down my face, I had been so foolish to doubt...and yet He cared enough about me to let me, so that He could remind me of who He was and is.
....and if that wasn't enough...I knew if I parked I probably wouldn't get it to start again because of the empty tank(been here before!)...so I drove through the lot and onto the street towards a gas station about 150 yards away. As I was asking God to forgive my pride once again, I asked Him to please somehow get me to the gas station. The car died...but coasted through the green light and into the gas station to the only pump left open...just for me!:) I covered my face with my hands and wept and asked Jesus to give me the strength that I need to keep perservering through this journey and to trust Him, ....even when He is silent. Through the tears I thanked Him for the opportunity to see Him and experience Him like I never had before.
God IS near...and He DOES care about me and I am so thankful that He doesn't give up on me, even though I am tempted to give up on Him. A couple of days later, Trent showed me this verse...and it so reflects my journey...I pray I am never as I was before this journey began..
"The suffering you sent was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles." Ps. 119:71
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