Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The other day I started feeling myself regressing....I woke up and knew it was going to be a tough day even before I got out of bed. My pain level was up and I struggled just to get in the shower, etc. I had already been through a couple of emotional days with my daughter Annie. Not because of her, but about her. She has had some problems with her digestive system for over 2 years now, but the last 6 months it has progressed to severe abdominal pains, etc. She is usually very happy and playful, so to see her lay on the couch or bent over the toilet, not eating and face turning pale....is very frustrating to say the least. Long story short...after many dr. visits...that didn't want to admit anything was wrong, we have finally seen some specialists who have run several different tests on her. Everything has come back normal so far...and the day before the one mentioned above, I was told that we need to pursue Lyme testing for her. The thought of what that might mean for a little 6 year old....literally sent me to God on my knees in my closet... weeping, grieving and praying that that would not be the case.

So...when I woke up the next day in pain, I felt too weak to fight the mental battle. I ended up going to treatment and crying and griping in my mind and out loud the whole way down. I was angry with God....why can't anything be easy?! Why don't you care about me? I try and try ...I have been asking for help forever here....where are you?!! The whole way down I95, my pity party grew . As I neared the main entrance of the hospital I could feel my hands tightening around the wheel, I had allowed myself to be consumed. The front of Halifax Hospital has a steep incline as you turn in, so as I turned to go up, my suburban completely shut down. All controls went dead and I did not have use of the breaks or steering wheel. All I could think of was that I was going to plow straight ahead into the new concrete wall that was the sign for the hospital and there was nothing I could do about it, except watch it all happen in slow motion form of course! :) (It's funny how my mind goes to the ridiculous at this point...pride probably!;)...anyway...all I could think of was "How in the heck am I going to explain this one to everyone!"
I think it was the years of having to "pop the clutch of my voltswagon bug and zipping it into neutral" skills that God used to kick some reaction into gear for me.....(Wow...he doesn't waste a thing! Wondered why I had to drive that car for so long?! :)....in a matter of seconds, I had slipped the gear in neutral and cranked the engine again...I was on an incline, so I didn't know if it would work, but it did...just enough to get me to turn the car before hitting the wall and get up to the top of the incline....before it conked out again..I looked at the gauges and in a moment was completely humbled...lower than I believe I have ever been before......because in the midst of my "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!" thoughts....I stared at an "empty" button on my gas tank. In that exact moment, the memory of MUCH needed gas from the night before crossed my mind...I knew there had not been enough gas for me to even make it halfway there and yet "somehow" :) here I was.....in the parking lot of the hospital 40 minutes away from my house! (Not on the side of the highway, not hurt somewhere, etc., but in a safe place.) I had been so caught up in ME and my pity party that morning, that I had failed to even glance at the gauges. And God in His grace and tender mercy had allowed me to safely arrive....even in the midst of all of that he had been taking care of me, His hands were all about me....just not from my perspective. Tears ran down my face like a rushing flood...and I was reminded of His indescribable love for me. It was as if He was speaking to me..."Tam, I know you are in the dark here....but I love you...keep trusting me, don't give up...I AM holding onto you."
Tears flowed down my face, I had been so foolish to doubt...and yet He cared enough about me to let me, so that He could remind me of who He was and is.
....and if that wasn't enough...I knew if I parked I probably wouldn't get it to start again because of the empty tank(been here before!)...so I drove through the lot and onto the street towards a gas station about 150 yards away. As I was asking God to forgive my pride once again, I asked Him to please somehow get me to the gas station. The car died...but coasted through the green light and into the gas station to the only pump left open...just for me!:) I covered my face with my hands and wept and asked Jesus to give me the strength that I need to keep perservering through this journey and to trust Him, ....even when He is silent. Through the tears I thanked Him for the opportunity to see Him and experience Him like I never had before.

God IS near...and He DOES care about me and I am so thankful that He doesn't give up on me, even though I am tempted to give up on Him. A couple of days later, Trent showed me this verse...and it so reflects my journey...I pray I am never as I was before this journey began..
"The suffering you sent was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles." Ps. 119:71