Sunday, July 26, 2009

It's been a long hard couple of weeks. It seems like everyday brings a new battle to fight, whether its physical, mental or emotional. In the midst of it all, God's grace and God's grace alone, continues to carry me and give me the strength, patience, endurance and grace I need, and exactly when I need it.
Overall, I am beginning to feel a little stronger. I was able to walk without my cane several days in a row again, though still limping and fighting off pain in my hips and legs. Also, to my great surprise, I was able to hold my grandniece, Bella, on my lap the other day with no pain (first time since she was born), go to the hair salon and sit in the backward seat where you get your hair washed, and then hold my own son Koty on my lap without pain...(first time in over 2years!) Pretty substantial for me...I really had to hold back the tears...and not from pain! Yeah!!:) And literally cherish the closeness and sweetness of precious moments like this that God gives us, but that so many times we take for granted.

I have had some pretty rough days with swollen feet and hands and migrains too. But for the most part they seem to be subsiding along with the burning sensations in my neck and arms. Probably the most frustrating symptom I have had to deal with the last 2 weeks has been the inability to communicate. Sometimes I am simply too exhausted to even follow a thought. I have trouble remembering words and find myself withdrawing from conversations because it has been just too difficult and frustrating to participate. Sometimes that is fine with me because I am so tired and because I actually do like my quiet time, but I have been trying to take advantage of the last couple of times I will be able to be with some of my fellow patients. This week marks recovery for some of them, which I am so thankful for! (They have had it pretty rough.) Tuesday, one of my favorite people will be getting his pickline out. Although I am so glad for his recovery, I will miss his sense of humor and his sweet and tender spirit. He has truly been a Godsend for me...and God has used him to prove that laughter really is good medicine..especially in the most difficult of circumstances.:)

Also, I have been so thankful for my kids. They continually remind me that life is not a destination, but a journey. Healed or not, I don't want to waste what I have been given. And I also don't want to just be focused on that one aspect of be healed. It will happen, whether it is here or heaven. So until that happens, I want to be focused on taking advantage of every moment that God has given me to be a tool that God uses to transform lives that He places in my life. There is so much more to life than simply going through the motions! I am so thankful that He continues to reveal that to me on a daily basis.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I just came out of 3 long days of chest pain, muscle pain, swollen feet and hands and exhaustion mainly with a few other symptoms tossed in there. But today was a good day overall. I had more energy for the most part and I had a huge breakthrough!......For the first time in over 2 years I was able to shave my legs all by myself!! :) To some, that might not be a big deal, but for was absolutely unbelievable! Most of the time I have a hard time twisting, bending or reaching. And when I try it, I am in pain for days. Today I did it all. I still had pain, but it was my normal stuff...nothing added to it because of the movements. Afterward, I literally cried and thanked God for the moment.
I know the tough times are not over...but I am so thankful for the sweet refreshing, personal touches that God seems to send to remind me that He is there and somehow we will make it through this thing together!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I'm in my 4th week of treatment...hard to believe I have been driving to Daytona everyday for that long! ha...It has been an interesting journey...(the treatment...the drive itself is pretty boring:)..I haven't been able to write any thoughts lately due to exhaustion, pain, and literally no brain. I actually have no excuse anymore...I AM on drugs! ha

People keep asking me if I feel any change...not really. Some days I'm like.."Wow...maybe"..and then .."no." I know it will be a slow process and I think (although there are moments!) I'm ok with that. Of course if I had my choice I want to be better now..I want to be able get up and walk without my whole body trembling from stiffness. I want to be able to turn or move in my bed when I sleep. I want to be able to dance or even sway to music without crying (not from emotion either! :) I want to be able to sit on my couch and hold my kids and read them a story or pick them up to give them a hug. But,.. I know that God has more important things for me to be focusing on right now. Does that mean that they are not important, or that my role as a mom is not important or that the simple, personal things do not mean anything to God?....I can honestly say ..absolutely not! Those little things mean so much to God...more than I could ever comprehend...He is actually all about detail and "the little things"...but I know that in His unwavering love for me...He knows none of that will ever be able to be anything for anyone if I have not become who He needs me to be first.

God has wanted me to only be able to have access to Him these last (over) 2 years. Absolutely nothing else...not my legs, or most of my body, my time, my days or my future, my doctors and reactions to medications, or even my brain most days..because when I have access to it...I totally depend on myself. (not Him). I work everything out according to MY plan and my ideas..etc. I have always been able to justify that away..."I'm a good worker, I organize my time well, I, I , I, life has been about me...and bottom line...that's a wasted life. I have done good things, but it was usually to serve MY purposes, whether to pat myself on the back and stroke my own pride or out of guilt, or whatever...but rarely simply because I love God and love people. A long time ago I prayed that I would have a pure heart, and God is finally answering that prayer...just not in the way I had originally designed. So..I am waiting for the physical healing (haven't given up on it!), but in the meantime... I'm focusing on my heart and on God...and letting Him teach me the rest.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me." Ps. 51:10