Sunday, July 5, 2009

I'm in my 4th week of treatment...hard to believe I have been driving to Daytona everyday for that long! ha...It has been an interesting journey...(the treatment...the drive itself is pretty boring:)..I haven't been able to write any thoughts lately due to exhaustion, pain, and literally no brain. I actually have no excuse anymore...I AM on drugs! ha

People keep asking me if I feel any change...not really. Some days I'm like.."Wow...maybe"..and then .."no." I know it will be a slow process and I think (although there are moments!) I'm ok with that. Of course if I had my choice I want to be better now..I want to be able get up and walk without my whole body trembling from stiffness. I want to be able to turn or move in my bed when I sleep. I want to be able to dance or even sway to music without crying (not from emotion either! :) I want to be able to sit on my couch and hold my kids and read them a story or pick them up to give them a hug. But,.. I know that God has more important things for me to be focusing on right now. Does that mean that they are not important, or that my role as a mom is not important or that the simple, personal things do not mean anything to God?....I can honestly say ..absolutely not! Those little things mean so much to God...more than I could ever comprehend...He is actually all about detail and "the little things"...but I know that in His unwavering love for me...He knows none of that will ever be able to be anything for anyone if I have not become who He needs me to be first.

God has wanted me to only be able to have access to Him these last (over) 2 years. Absolutely nothing else...not my legs, or most of my body, my time, my days or my future, my doctors and reactions to medications, or even my brain most days..because when I have access to it...I totally depend on myself. (not Him). I work everything out according to MY plan and my ideas..etc. I have always been able to justify that away..."I'm a good worker, I organize my time well, I, I , I, life has been about me...and bottom line...that's a wasted life. I have done good things, but it was usually to serve MY purposes, whether to pat myself on the back and stroke my own pride or out of guilt, or whatever...but rarely simply because I love God and love people. A long time ago I prayed that I would have a pure heart, and God is finally answering that prayer...just not in the way I had originally designed. So..I am waiting for the physical healing (haven't given up on it!), but in the meantime... I'm focusing on my heart and on God...and letting Him teach me the rest.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me." Ps. 51:10

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