Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Haven't had any serious side effects today after starting my new treatment, which is always a good sign. Also, had some good news this morning after talking with the doctor. I was getting a little discouraged about the steroids and some of the side effects I have been experiencing, but through my conversation with the doc, I was again reminded how God always knows best and He always has the big picture. I love the example a speaker gave recently about God's point of view verses our own. (I know I have given it before, but it bears repeating.) Our lives are like a tapestry and God's view is looking down at the beautifully finished picture. Our view is the under side of the tapestry, the side that has all of the yarn jumbled together. Many times we can't make sense of our circumstances or a given situation, but God always sees the finished picture. To connect the dots......I was discouraged with the fact that I seemed to be the worst case scenario with my symptoms for Lyme disease that my doc has had, at least when it comes to the nerve/ neurological damage (muscle shakes and pain) know, the whole "why Me?" pity party. Anyway, I find out today , because of that specific "problem" I will not have to experience all of the awful side effects from the meds through this leg of the race, because the steroids will work against them. (Which means that I should be better off than most.) I know it may seem small, but honestly I hung up the phone today and smiled. It was as if God was smirking and saying, "You know, you really can trust me.....I do have your best interest in mind."
Today I have been so grateful for so many things, but mostly I am so very thankful that even in the midst of tragedy or seemingly shattered dreams, God is absolutely in control and has me in the palm of His hands. There is no better nor stable security than that.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Tomorrow I start the next level of my treatment. My doctor had given me several weeks "off" so that I could get the kids settled into school, etc. (Which means that I was postponing my next increase and med change). I had a crazy summer. The beginning was about par for my pain, etc. Then July hit and I was suddenly doing worse than I have ever been on treatment. I was back to being unable to move without help and without screaming from the pain. I think I wore out my poor family's ears and nerves. The doctor put me on steroids, which did some amazing wonders for me. The last 6 weeks I have found myself crying due to the activities that I have been able to be a part of. For the first time in 4 summers, I was able to get into a swimming pool! I can't explain what that experience was like....even as I type, the tears are streamming down my face.....I was able to teach Annie and Koty how to swim and even more exciting was the ability to hold them physically close to me. We were all so excited and crying together! I've also been able to walk across the yard (uneven ground) and squat to plant flowers. Tonight I finished up my "vacation" with attending my oldest daughter Sydney's volleyball game. (I have never been able to accomplish sitting in bleachers...until now!) So, like I said, tomorrow starts a new season. The next 4 months will be the hardest ones I have faced yet. I'll be honest...I am not looking forward to them at all. I find myself waffling back and forth from fear to hope to determination and then back to fear. I have been told what to expect and to prepare for the worst, so I am trying to do that. One thing that I am so thankful for is that God has, in His goodness, allowed me to find Him through this process and to know Him deeper and more intimately than I would have ever thought possible. So I am assured that no matter what tomorrow may bring with it, He is with me and will continue to remain there always.
Annie and Koty have been on their treatments throughout the summer now. Annie has had some rough times. Insomnia has been one of the owrst symptoms she has had to suffer through. Of course when that happens, everything else seems to shut down since the body is not getting the rest it needs to heal. Koty, on the other hand, hasn't had too many "down" days and seems to be doing pretty good so far. They both have started school and seem to be settling in fine. We were so thankful to get some wonderful teachers for both of them. So that has taken a load off of me, especially knowing that there will be someone looking out for them at school. Sometimes when I think of what I might not be able to do for my kids or simply for myself in the next four months, I get a little nervous, and yes, weepy too. I try not to think about the "what if's" and just focus on the time and day at hand. I Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."
As I continue to walk this road, I know that God continues to build my character through the process of waiting. " Perfect trust is a character building process." (swindol)