Saturday, June 20, 2009

I am 2 days from calling it an official "2 weeks" of treatment. This week I have been experiencing more symptoms and cycles of the disease. Insomnia, Night Sweats, tender soles of feet, joint pain, stomach pain, swollen and painful lymph nodes in the chest, arm pits and rib area, chest pain and rapid heart beat, exhaustion, lightheadedness, acheness all over, swollen eyes and flu like symptoms...also a little bit of Katherine Hepburn going on here and there. :) All in all it was a good week. We had some friends come through for a couple of days and God gave me exactly the strength that I needed for that..and then some! I even had 3 days of no cane and very little pain in the hips believe it or not. I am learning to simply cherish those moments and make the most of them, instead of waiting for the next "'wall" to hit.

This week has given me many moments to reflect on the stories and life events of those so very dear to my heart. It is amazing how bogged down with our own little world we can become and how small our problems seem when we open ourselves to the pain and need around us. My heart has been so broken for some of my friends and relatives and for all that they are up against, physically, emotionally and mentally. Since there is little I can actually do in my state right now...which at times is the most frustrating of all for me because I am a doer...God continues to draw me to himself and I find myself on my knees pouring out my heart to Him for these people and their circumstances. In the midst of those precious moments, God seems to give me a calm assurance that he indeed is working His plan and that in the midst of chaos and seemingly lost hopes, He most definitely has everything under control. It is in these moments also, that God continues to remind me of His great love for me and for them...that though I want to be healthy and able to run around and "do" whatever needs to be done...I am actually in the best place doing the best thing i can do ...which is relying on the Creator, the Lifegiver, the Hope filler, the Provider, the Deliverer..etc. etc. ...and not myself....Its amazing to me how many times I want to be in control of the events, the plans, the outcomes, etc. and usually before I know it, I am grabbing back the wheel trying to steer things in the "right"direction. I am sooo thankful that God is sooo patient and doesn't write me off for the 5ooth time of wrestling for control again.
Romans 8;28-29a...I think I'm finally just beginning to grasp the meaning of these verses..
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son..." I know God is using this place where I am at...I am so thankful that He cares for me so much and wants me to become more like him, that He allows me to be in places that are uncomfortable and downright painful, for me to open my eyes to things I never would have made myself look at..whether it was in me or in situations around me.
I've been too busy to notice Him and too busy trying to do things by myself...He knew I needed to be in a position to rely on Him and to observe Him and what He is able to do. (For me and for people close to me.) It has been lifechanging...and I never want to be the same again.

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