Hope you can give me grace today...thinking out loud....
I'm getting ready for another Dr. appointment. This one is supposed to give me all of the results from the spinal tap and last round of bloodwork that went out to CA. (Lyme speciality center) I'm a little apprehensive. The last time I walked out of this guy's office I was left with a decision to make. No matter what the results come back(and expect them to come back neg.he said)...my decision needs to have been made whether or not I will do the treatment for Lyme. It's not like it's an easy treatment...and the treatment can be as foggy as the disease itself. Since that day I have spent alot of time talking to God. Telling him my fears, my thoughts and my desires. Asking for more clarity and confirmation for the disease. I have had only one pos. test for Lyme disease..then 2 neg. I have been told so many contradicting things...who do you believe, what do you believe...only God knows the real answers...only He knows what path to take...what treatment, if any, is the one to follow. A couple of weeks ago I came across info. and people that seemed to confirm the diagnosis, but there was no absolute bloodwork involved....all the "uncertainty" leaves me so exhausted sometimes and in the middle of that exhaustion, the phantom disease begins to play its old tricks on my mind and body.
"Why does every inch of this journey have to be so dang hard?! God, why can't you at least tell me, for certain, what I'm dealing with here?!" Thoughts like these seem to rage within me ...moments like now, when I'm not sure if I want to see another Dr. and hear the unhelpful results he found...once again. Moments, when I am scared to face the unknown, I feel alone and helpless, weary and "done". These are the moments I am tempted to be afraid to hope again, hope for an answer, hope that my God truly hears my cries and cares for me. But I have learned, and am learning that it is at those moments that I have a choice...to believe what God says or not, despite what everything looks or feels like.
So this is the promise that I am trusting once again...
"Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength:
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary." Is. 40:30-31
Waiting on God is an active, confident trusting- an instant obedience. When the Bible talks about waiting on God in my suffering, it means confidently trusting that God knows how much I need and can take. It means looking expectantly toward the time when He will free me from my burdens....those who wait for Him in their distress will recieve strength and endurance which others know nothing about. We mustn't wait in a dull sort of way with an indifferent attitude. We must rejoice in our hope - in spite of our suffering, in the face of whatever difficult life circumstance we may be enduring. (Joni Earicksen Tada)
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself,"The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. " Lam. 3:21-26