I got to meet a new friend this morning in treatment. Though we were from completely different generations and backgrounds, his story reminded me of so many of my own thoughts and struggles on this journey. Wondering why me, why this, why now? His story is one of great tragedy and yet I wonder ..and know...that God is simply calling Him to Himself. God loves us...(more than I have ever known before until now)...and will go to ANY lengths for us to know His love, even if it means struggle for us. Sometimes that is the only place we will give Him thought or attention. He desires us to wrestle with Him, if that's what it takes, so that we will know, without a shadow of a doubt, of His love for us and in turn, give us a love for Him that is so passionate...that we will not be able desire or pursue anything else, but His presence.

If you have not known a desire like that for Him in awhile....I challenge you to ask Him for it...it is what He longs to give each one of us. He is the only thing that can fill the holes that we so desperately try to fill with anything that we can get our hands or minds on. We try everything but Christ himself until we have no more options. Only then do we look to Him. How God's heart aches for us...for us to be restored to a relationship with Himself. He gave all that He had..his only Son, to die the worst death, for us...people who want nothing to do with Him...and He did it before we even existed.
It amazes me that sometimes only the loss of precious things: our lives, our abilties, our desires and dreams etc. will get us to pursue God...and even then...it is only to get what we want...to manipulate and control Him, like a genie in a bottle. If I do this....go to church, stop bad language, be nice to people, etc....then God will....._______.
We have such a screwed up view of love... We have expectations, and expect God to show up just how we want Him to show up...and when He doesn't...well, we reject Him, question Him, or just walk away from Him. Wow...the things we miss out on! and simply because WE get in the way. Why does God tell us to "die to ourselves"? Because He knows that He is the only one who can fill our "hole" and until we do that...we can never see Him...our ego, profile, etc. is just way too big! :)
Why does suffering and difficult cirmcumstances happen to good, bad or indifferent people? Maybe it's a consequence to a poor choice, maybe it's because God is more concerned with developing your character rather than being concerned with your comfort or maybe it is simply because He is trying to give you what you are truly longing for without realizing it....Himself.